You can call me a lot of things, but don’t you dare say this.

I received criticism from a reader in response to my recent humor column in Seasons magazine.

You can read my column here if you’d like. Page 81.

Though the critic acknowledged that the column was written with a tongue-in-cheek sensibility, they still thought I was “annoying” and “elitist.” I don’t agree. I can certainly be annoying, but in the case of this particular column, I didn’t think I was annoying at all.

I thought I was kind of amusing.

And elitist? I rage against elitism on an almost daily basis. I guess it’s possible that I could accidentally sound elitist or even be elitist without knowing it, but I don’t think so.

Again, I thought I was kind of amusing.

But I accept all criticism with an open mind. It almost never bothers me. When you write for public consumption, you have no other choice.

This critic also argued that my column “conjured up all that is wrong with our moral compass.” I’m not sure who the “our” might be or, by extension,  whose moral compass is all wrong, but the comment is certainly weightier and more pointed than simply “annoying” and “elitist.”

Still, that’s fine. There’s no telling where this critic’s particular moral compass might be pointing. Perhaps the critic and I operate on opposite poles.

Then this critic suggested that I do better in my “future musings.”

Now I was angry.

Musing?

A column – even a humor column on the back page of a small, regional magazine – does not constitute a musing.

A musing is noting the ridiculousness of the phrase “tongue in cheek.”

A musing is noting how the space between your mouth and your nose is called the philtrum, but we almost never refer to it by name even though it’s in the center of our face and just as prominent as the cheek or chin.

A musing is noting that gummy worms are at least ten times the size of gummy bears, indicating that the gummy universe is a strange, strange place.

These are musings.

A humor column covering two full pages and including original artwork is not a musing.

Editing, revision, and back-and-forth negotiations with an editor do not constitute a musing.

Nearly 1,000 words of amusing anecdotes and humorous observations are a hell of a lot more than a simple musing.

You can call me annoying and elitist or morally objectionable. That’s fine. Refer to me as a monster if you’d like. A reprehensible cretin with smelly feet. I don’t care.

A former boss once told an auditorium filled with people, including my own students, that I wasn’t a real author.

A police office once called me a pathetic liar before arresting me for a crime I did not commit.

An anonymous coward once called me a sick, dangerous man and compared me to the Virginia Tech murderer, then that same coward mailed those comments (and many others) to more than 300 members of my school community.

Fine. I can live with all of those cruelties. To each his own.

But do not denigrate my column by reducing it to a musing.

That is a line that shall not be crossed.