Archive for November 2011
Parasite onboard
The doctor reports that this is currently located in my wife’s womb. It’s due to come out in late May. We told Clara last night. She informed me that it’s a girl and that it’s beautiful. Then she kissed my wife’s belly a few times and asked if she could feed the baby with a…
Read MoreBrand new gift idea for that needy boy named Sue.
This is the kind of gift that isn’t right for everyone, and it might not go over well with the boy’s parents, but here’s a possible holiday gift idea that might be perfect under the right circumstances: Give a boy a real name to replace his wimpy, girlish, pansy name. I’m not going to call…
Read MoreTriceratops
My two-year old daughter can accurately identify a triceratops, and a poor facsimile at that. Perhaps that Dinosaur Train show isn’t as stupid as I had thought.
Read MoreObservations from last night’s Moth StorySlam performance
I told a story at last night’s Moth StorySLAM in Manhattan. As always, I had an amazing time, and I actually learned a lot. Here are some of my observations and thoughts from the evening: 1. There are two Bleecker Streets in New York. Who knew? 147 Bleecker Street in Queens is a large brick…
Read MoreCould someone please tell Michele Bachmann that whining about the source of your apology is not exactly Presidential
Over the past three years, I have been extremely critical of people who demand apologies, more so than I ever even realized. In February of 2010, I was critical of a parent who demanded that a teacher apologize to her daughter for doing something exceptionally stupid. In July of 2010, I commented on this favorite…
Read MoreThe Boogha Boogha Monster returns after more than two decades
When I was a kid, my brothers and sisters and I would often spend our evenings playing a game that we called Monster. I would be given a few minutes to hide somewhere outside and around our home, and then my brothers and sisters would begin wandering about, hoping to avoid being snatched up by…
Read MoreYou get 40 points just for breathing
Someone please explain to me how a quarterback can fail to complete a single pass or do anything productive for his team and still have a rating of 39.6. Shouldn’t his rating be zero. Or at least closer to it? Perhaps there is something to be said about ESPN’s new QBR rating, which at least…
Read MoreDressed up to not work out
Regardless of how many times I see this (and it’s almost daily), I’ll never understand it: Two women are working out together at the gym. One is dressed in a tight-fitting, leopard-print leotard, black and pink tights, pink sneakers and a matching pink headband. The other is wearing a yellow hoodie with coordinating socks and…
Read MoreWhere does she learn these things?
I went upstairs to see if I could get my two-year old to nap. She had been sitting in the crib for almost an hour, talking and playing but not exactly sleeping. “Clara,” I said. “Why didn’t you go to sleep?” “I tried to go to sleep, Daddy,” she said. “But I was freaking out.”…
Read MoreWorking hard for the money: Update
A few years ago, I posted a list of all the jobs I have held in my life in chronological order. Things have changed since then, so here is my updated list: 1. Farm laborer, Blackstone, MA: When I was 12-years old, I began working for Jesse Deacon, an aging farmer in need of some…
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