The changing landscape of baby names

Baby names are more unique than ever before.

In 2020 the percentage of babies who got a top-10 most popular name was down to 7 percent. Compare that to the 28 percent of babies who got a name in the top 10 in 1950, or the 32 percent in 1880.

In 1955, half of American babies had one of 78 names. In 2019 half of American babies had one of 520 names.

I like this trend a lot.

I like original names, for a few reasons:

If you’re going to assign a human being a name, I like it when some thoughtfulness, creativity, and rationality is behind the decision.

I’m Matthew John because my mother liked the two names. It probably also had something to do with her being a Christian. Matthew and John are two of the first two books of the New Testament.

It’s a fine choice of a name, but it’s not exactly an inspiring rationale.

Granted, my father wanted me to be named Bartholomew, so perhaps I dodged a bullet with Matthew John.

Also, John?

Can you be any lazier in choosing a name than choosing John?

No offense to all you Johns out there or parents who named their children John. Maybe there was great thought and reason in the choosing of your name. Maybe it’s a family name, or perhaps your parents were fans of the film Die Hard and admired John McClain a whole hell of a lot. Still, some people whose last name is Smith are still naming their sons John.

I can’t believe it. Why? Do people with the last name Doe still name their children John and Jane, too?

Clara Susan’s name comes from a combination of a character in “The Van Gogh Cafe” and my deceased mother’s first name.

Charles Wallace is named after a character in “A Wrinkle in Time.” Also, Elysha and I like the poetry of Hartford’s own Wallace Stevens very much.

Our cat, Tobi, is named after a children’s book of the same name that Elysha adored as a child.

Pluto, our other cat, is named after the cat in Poe’s “The Black Cat.” That cat has its eye gouged out by its owner but goes on to reveal the owner’s murder victim to police, thus having the last laugh.

Elysha’s name was originally going to be Jordan, but a doctor told her parents that Jordan is primarily a boy’s name, and isn’t life difficult enough already?

Little did that doctor know that Elysha’s last name would one day become Dicks.

So tossing aside Jordan, Elysha’s parents invented the spelling of Elysha after three days of hemming and hawing and threats from the hospital that they would fill in her birth certificate with the name Girl. They invented the spelling because they liked the name Alicia but also knew someone named Alicia who they didn’t like, so they created a new version of the name to avoid any reminders of the unsavory Alicia.

See? Now that’s some thought and reason.

I like original names a lot, too, because why not? A new human exists on the planet. Why not a new name?

Also, a brand new name is an excellent means of identifying intolerant jackasses.

Intolerant jackasses typically roll their eyes or act incredulously at the sound of a new or exceptionally rare name, because anything that does not fit into their pantheon of potential baby names and overall world view is deeply unsettling to them.

These are the same kind of people who oppose same sex marriage. Just a hell of a lot less evil.

So when Gwyneth Paltrow and her ex-husband Chris Martin named their daughter Apple, for example, intolerant jackasses around the world complained about the name. Made fun of it. Mocked it like the intolerant jackasses they are.

I actually like the name a lot, but even if I didn’t, she isn’t my kid, so I didn’t say anything negative about it because people can name their baby whatever they want and I’m not an intolerant jackass.

But I like it when identifying terrible people is made easy.

“What? Your name is Jamararella? Seriously?”

See? Intolerant jackass.