Mean person says stupid, hilarious stuff

One of the joys I experience as someone who puts things into the world – both on the page and from the stage – is the thankfully rare but hilariously mean response to my thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

Last week, I received one of these responses in the form of an email that read:

Read your piece Holiday traditions and came to a conclusion that you are a perfit fit for your surname – you are a prick faced dick. Have a Happy !!

I laughed aloud when I read the email, and I just laughed again after cutting and pasting it here. It’s so wonderful on so many fronts.

First, the misspelling of “perfect” is perfect. I love it when someone takes the time to attack me but can’t muster the resources to avoid an embarrassing misspelling.

In addition to “perfect” being spelled wrong, a word seems to be missing at the end of the message. If I want to be nitpicky (and I do in these cases), “holiday” should also not be capitalized, and more than one exclamation point is always a sign of stupidity.

As if two exclamation points will cause me to read the sentence with even more volume. Twice as much volume!

The whole thing is hilarious.

The actual insult is also amusing. Does this person, whose name I have omitted because I’m not nearly the jackass he is, really think that his insult is original in the slightest? Does he really think that a writer with the last name Dicks hasn’t heard every joke about his name one billion times before?

If you’re going to attack me, at least be original.

If you’re going to try to be funny, at least be amusing. Even I’ve made funnier jokes about my own last name.

I’d like to think I’ve ascended beyond the level of middle school name-calling.

But here’s the best part:

I don’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve written a blog post every day of my life for more than 19 years. I’ve written the humor column for Seasons magazine since 2015, and many of those pieces have focused on holiday celebrations of one kind or another. I also write an advice column for Slate magazine and have written about holiday traditions many times before.

Which piece of writing could this nasty, brutish person be writing about?

I have no idea!

The thought that I write and publish so much that I can’t identify the offending piece thrilled me beyond compare. While this man is firing off his poorly written, unoriginal insults, I’m busy producing real, lasting, profitable content.

That simple fact fills my heart with joy.

So my reply to the troll was this:

Hello XXXX,