Matthew Dicks’s rider

Back on October 10, 2013, my friend, Heather Clow, listed her proposed rider if she were ever to become a performer. I thought this was an amusing idea, so on October 12, 2013, I commented on her blog post, writing, “I love this idea! I’m going to make my own rider!”

Just 3,165 days later, I’ve finally gotten around to it.

A rider is a list of requirements that musicians, comedians, and the like require in order to perform.

Kanye West reportedly requires a barber’s chair in his dressing room. Mariah Carey insists on two vases of white roses. Justin Timberlake requires someone to disinfect the doorknobs of any backstage venue or hotel he’s occupying every two hours. On top of that, it’s necessary for him to have the elevator and an entire floor of a hotel to himself.

I know authors who require a specific type and number of pen for signing books. I also have a preferred pen, but I simply take one with me or use the one provided by the venue.

Van Halen famously had one of the most oddly specific requests of all time: a bowl of M&M candies, with all the brown ones removed.

This particular request, however, was for good reason. Van Halen had one of the largest, and therefore potentially dangerous, stage shows at the time. If the band went backstage and saw brown M&Ms on the catering table, then they knew the promoter had not read the contract rider in full and would need to do a line check of the entire stage setup to guarantee their safety.

Clever.

My stage show is slightly more modest than that of Van Halen. I ask for a microphone, preferably corded, and a backup microphone at the ready in the event something goes wrong with the first. This is something Heather knows well, given that today she is the Executive Director of the Marathon Center for the Performing Arts in Findlay, Ohio, where I performed last April.

But if I ever reach the heights of a Timberlake or Van Halen and can insist on a more complex and detailed rider, it would be something like this:

Matthew Dicks’s Rider

1. Six-pack of Diet Coke, 16.9 ounce bottles, caffeinated or not, chilled
2. Apple cider, quart, chilled
3. Six stamped postcards featuring something of local interest
4. Two friendly cats
5. Four apples
6. Two bananas
7. A book of Billy Collins’ poetry or Billy Collins
8. Baseball cap of a local sports team (excluding the New York Jets)
9. Digital picture frame capable of receiving photos from an iPhone or Macbook
10. Raisnets, 8 ounce bag
11. Minor league baseball schedule, local team (if applicable)