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Some terrible, stupid scientist has quantified your chances of dying at any given moment and given it a name:

Micromort

A micromort is equal to a one-in-a-million chance of death.

Just being alive is equal to about 24 micromorts per day.

Even at a one-in-a-million chance of death, 24 seems like a lot.

Other micromort calculations:

  • Skydiving: 8 micromorts per jump
  • Running a marathon: 26 micromorts (I knew that long distance running was foolish)
  • Walking 17 miles or driving 230 miles: 1 micromort
  • Infected with the coronavirus: 10,000 micromorts per day

In light of the pandemic, equally terrible scientists have also developed the microCOVID, which is equal to a one-in-one-million chance of contracting COVID-19 based upon specific activities:

  • Going out to buy groceries: 20 microCOVIDs
  • Hosting a small party, indoors, with no masks: 3,000 microCOVIDs
  • A 30 minute commute on the train is 100-200 microCOVIDs

There’s actually a microCOVID calculator that you can use to determine your chances of contracting COVID-19 depending upon your activity. if you want to perseverate on death any more than you already are.

Since I think about death about 387 times per hour (prior to the pandemic, it was only 385 times per hour), I’m good.

I didn’t need to know about the existence of the micromort.

I think that quantifying my chances of death – and my death in particular – in distinct, measurable units is unnecessary and mean. Meany scientists who could be studying the mating patterns of the round-tailed ground squirrel but instead waste their precious time scaring the hell out of me.