I love the message that this cartoon conveys, but I just wish it wasn’t all about the hat.
Complimenting an item of clothing is the lowest form of compliment, which is why it’s so easily applied to strangers.
If you don’t know the person, it’s easy to comment on their relatively irrelevant exterior since their interior is oftentimes impenetrable, especially when time is limited.
Still, I avoid this lazy form of compliment at all costs. Having vowed to never make a negative comment about a person’s appearance ever again, I’ve slowly begun avoiding comments on physical appearance altogether. In fact, with the exception of my wife and children, I have managed to avoid any comment on physical appearance – positive or negative – for more than two months.
This does not mean that I have forgone complimenting people. I simply look for things that actually matter, which for me is what a person says or does.
That’s it. This is what I choose to care about and choose to focus on.
My podcast host, Rachel, recently cut off a bazillion inches of hair off her head. Not only did I not notice the change (which was admittedly a little bizarre), but I had to explain to her that even if I had noticed the change, I probably would’ve said nothing about it because I don’t care about her hair at all.
Not one bit.
So yes, we all have the power to brighten someone’s day with a well placed compliment, and I utilize this power whenever I can, usually in the form of a hand written note, a well timed email, or a public proclamation of achievement. Last week, for example, I complimented a camp counselor on her expertise with my students, but I waited until her boss was standing alongside us to do so.
Timing is everything.
Compliments are great. I love to offer them and love to receive them. I encourage you to compliment me often. I just believe in making compliments as meaningful as possible.
A hat just doesn’t do it for me.
This Post Has 0 Comments
I heard a piece you did on a recent Gist podcast, and I am so glad I found your blog. It’s a pleasure to read your thoughts.
This particular post, however, wormed into my brain, and I found I’d been thinking about it all week, until I realized I had to comment. I think you might be missing something regarding physical appearance, clothing, and meting out compliments.
You say that what really counts to you are a person’s words and actions. I think that’s a pretty good way of looking at things, as it puts communication and interaction first. I want to reward good behavior, and I want my interactions with people to be friendly, with both of us at our best. I love starting out interactions with strangers on a positive note, and compliments are a great way to do that. It shows that you’re noticing the choices they’ve made, and that you appreciate the way they’re approaching the world.
The thing I think you might be missing is something that I missed for a long time, too. It took my wife, who is much more tuned into fashion, to point it out to me. The choices we make in regards to our appearance are also a form of communication. The clothes a person puts on, the shoes they wear, the glasses frames they chose, their hairstyle – all of these things communicate something a person wants to say about themselves. Now, of course, there are more or less skillful communications, but every piece of clothing and accessory, and the context in which it occurs (did you wear a suit to a disco? Did you wear jeans to a formal event?) says something about the person who is wearing it. Additionally, and this is the part it took me a long time to learn, it’s not actually possible to opt out of that communication. I could wear jeans and a t-shirt everywhere I go, or be like Steve Jobs and wear the same turtleneck in every situation, but even then I am still communicating something about the choices I make and the face that I present to the world. Certainly not everything, but something.
So when I say, "I like your style!" or "What a great hat!" I am reflecting positively on a choice that person made, a non-verbal communication, that says something about them and how they see themselves in the world. And it’s extremely effective as way of setting up a positive interaction.
I like the emphasis you’re placing on sincere communication in your steering away from compliments based on physical appearance, but I think you might be leaving aside a tool for communication that you see as superficial, and I’d encourage you to see it from another perspective.