Over the last week, I’ve overheard three different sets of parents yelling at their children in public, and in each case, the parent sounded like a monster.
“You’re nothing but a spoiled brat,” one parent said to a little girl who was probably four or five years old. The words weren’t great, but it was the tone — filled with genuine anger — that was even more upsetting.
And this was said on a crowded beach within earshot of at least a dozen people, which made me think this particular parent thought her words and tone were perfectly acceptable.
They were not.
I know it’s easy to judge someone’s situation from a distance, but sometimes, that judgment is also correct.
In this case, it was. And it happened two other times over the past couple of days — in a restaurant and outside an ice cream shop. In all three cases, the child in question was young.
Under ten years old.
In each case, the words spoken by the parent weren’t ideal, but it was the way they were spoken — filled with anger and rage — that upset me more. Parents are the one rock upon which children can depend. In the mind of a child, the world is a vast, often scary place where they cannot survive independently. They rely on their parents for every earthly need and want, including essentials such as food, water, shelter, clothing, and comfort.
When the single source of sustenance and love is suddenly filled with rage and lashes out with anger and vitriol, it can fill a child’s mind and body with anxiety and fear. The person for whom the child once depended can no longer be trusted, and the world becomes a much more uncertain and scarier place for the child.
There is nothing wrong with being angry with your child.
There is nothing wrong with telling your child that their behavior is unacceptable.
There’s nothing wrong with punishing your child for inappropriate behavior.
Parents can and should be firm, consistent, and stern when necessary. They can raise their voice if needed. Yell, even.
But they should never lose control.
Rage has no place in parenting. Vindictiveness is never okay.
Frightening your child should never be a thing.
You should not speak to your child in a way that makes people around you worry about the safety of your child.
I heard that happen three times over the last week, and each time, it broke my heart.
Parenting isn’t always easy, and sometimes you can become angry with your child. You might even become filled with rage. But there is a simple solution in these precarious circumstances:
Wait.
Unless your child is running into oncoming traffic or removing their life jacket in the middle of a lake, wait to say something.
Count to ten.
Breathe deeply for a minute.
Give yourself 15 minutes to pull yourself together.
If there is a second parent in the household, ask them to step in and help.
The world can be scary enough for a small child without the one person whom they depend upon for almost everything becoming unstable or untrustworthy.
Please don’t be mean to your child. Be tough and consistent and insistent and demanding. Scold and punish.
But don’t be mean.
Your words carry so much weight, and the impact they have, and even more, the tone you use, can leave a lasting, determinant impact on your little one.
