While I was working in Pittsburgh last month, Elysha went shopping for a new car.
Her car was 14 years old and not running well. It was time.
After test-driving several makes and models, she and Charlie went to Lia Hyundai and found a car that she loved:
A 2025 Hyundai Tucson Hybrid
She negotiated a fair price with the salesperson and was passed off to a finance manager.
Before they began discussing options, she made it clear to the finance manager and the salesperson that she would not be purchasing a car today. She told them that I would be back in Connecticut the next day, and we would make the final decision together.
The finance manager suggested she place a deposit on the car.
Elysha declined.
The finance manager pressured her to place a deposit on the car.
“No,” she said. “That’s not how we make decisions in our family. We do things like this together.”
Then the finance manager said:
“Does your husband know that you’re shopping for a car today?”
This question is atrocious for many reasons. Even Charlie — age 13 — was appalled by the question when he heard it.
But here’s something to think about:
Is there any question in your mind about the sex of this finance manager?
I haven’t mentioned their sex yet. I deliberately avoided pronouns. I made it so their sex was unknowable. But you probably assumed the finance manager was a man, and if so, you are correct,
Of course it was a man.
For the record, I knew she was shopping for a car because we had spoken on the phone earlier that day.
But did Elysha need to inform me that she was shopping for a new car?
Of course not.
When it came to the actual purchase, we would obviously discuss the decision, but she certainly didn’t need to tell me where she was shopping for a car, what she was considering, or what she was thinking.
More importantly:
If I had been the one shopping for the car and refusing to put down a deposit, would the finance manager have asked me:
“Does our wife know you’re shopping for a car?”
Almost certainly not.
The finance manager probably had no idea that his stupid, gendered, sexist, patriarchal statement had just cost his dealership a sale.
Elysha finished negotiating a fair price, exited the dealership, and immediately called another Hyundai dealership nearby. She informed the salesperson — a woman — about the situation and told her that if she could match the offer, she would purchase the car at her dealership.
Done deal.
We visited the dealership to make the purchase a few days later. Elysha’s salesperson wasn’t working that day, but she came in to introduce herself and pass us off to a fellow salesperson to complete the purchase.
The finance manager at this particular Hyundai dealership — who also happened to be a woman — was outstanding. She made the process simple, offered us extended warranties, and quietly waited for us to make a decision.
No pressure. No patriarchy.
Elysha’s new car is sitting in the driveway right now.
Asking a woman if her husband knows she’s shopping for a car is a question you might rightly expect if it were 1956 or 1967 or 1978 or 1989. It wouldn’t make it right, but you could see it happening.
But if you’re still asking that question in 2025, you have a problem.
Also fewer sales.
