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I’m so rich!

Exciting news! I’m rich!

The website has a page dedicated to me, and the information listed is quite surprising.

The website accurately lists my educational background, birthday, place of birth, and all eight books that I’ve published, but it also¬†says:

“Matthew Dicks is one of the richest American novelists from the United States. According to our analysis, Wikipedia, Forbes & Business Insider, Matthew Dicks’s net worth is $5 million. (Last Update: February 3, 2024)”


“Matthew is ranked on the list of most popular American novelists. Also ranked in the elite list of famous people born in the United States.”

This was exciting news. I immediately opened my banking app to see if something had changed overnight. Perhaps unexpected royalties from one of my international publishers had landed in my account in a size never before seen, but alas, the amount of money we have remained the same.

I thought about adding up all of our retirement accounts, equity in our home, brokerage accounts, and the kid’s piggy banks to see if it approached $5 million, but that seemed like a lot of effort for little reward.

The website also states:

“According to our records, Matthew Dicks is possibly single and has not been previously engaged. As of December 2021, Matthew Dicks is not dating anyone.”

This is odd since, in another part of the website, it indicates that I’m married to Elysha.

But maybe something happened over the weekend that I don’t know about? Perhaps I should check with Elysha to see if something has resulted in me becoming unknowingly single, but I think I would’ve at least been served papers if that were the case.

Also, I know I’ve been previously engaged, so that bit of information is inaccurate. In fact, my proposal – made on the steps at Grand Central Station – was witnessed by about two dozen friends hiding in the holiday crowd.

Admittedly, Elysha never said yes to my proposal. She only wept. But she planned the wedding and married me, so I’ve always assumed her tears indicated a yes, and we were engaged.

The website also invites readers to “help us to build the dating records for Matthew Dicks!” So perhaps all of my previous girlfriends from bygone days can contribute to the timeline of sorts.

I wondered if this website was an outlier, so I Googled “Matthew Dicks net worth” and found many, many websites that all seem to agree that my net worth is somewhere between $1.5 and $5.5 million.

I know it’s been said many times that you can’t trust anything the internet says, and that is true. But when so many websites agree on the same piece of inaccurate information, you start to see how false information can spread and become a reality for so many people.

In this case, the information, thankfully, isn’t damaging (unless the IRS audits me), but you can see how the spread of disinformation and lies can become cemented in the minds of others if spoken or written enough.

If only these websites would spread the kind of disinformation I would enjoy. Things like:

“Reading Matthew Dicks’s novels makes you more attractive.”

“Most people purchase Matthew Dicks’s books by the baker’s dozen because they make the best gifts that a loved one could ever receive.”

“Matthew Dicks intentionally plays golf poorly to help boost his friend’s long-suffering egos.”

“When Matthew Dicks tells a joke in a standup routine that doesn’t get a laugh, it’s always the audience’s fault because everything he says is funny.”

“Matthew Dicks’s wife, Elysha Dicks, finds him entirely and wholly irresistible at every moment of the day and night.”

Nothing wrong with a little disinformation if it helps the cause.