Ghosting — the silent, unexplained method to ending relationships — can have negative consequences that result in internalized emotional conflict on both the person being ghosted and the ghoster, a Wesleyan study recently found.
In the short-term, ghosting may lead to internalized feelings of self-criticism and self-doubt, researcher Dr. Royette Dubar explained. Over time, these feelings may hinder the development of trust and vulnerability in future relationships, “which are key ingredients for developing intimacy.”
“Because ghosting does not provide any closure to the ghostee, it robs the individual of an opportunity to address any personal issues that may actually promote growth within that individual,” she explained.
Although the person committing the ghosting may not immediately feel negative consequences, ghosting prevents that individual from developing important interpersonal skills. “Ghosting may prevent someone from engaging in healthy conflict resolution. Thus, over time, serial ghosters may be stunted in their ability to develop intimacy in future relationships,” Dubar said.
For the record, I think people who end a relationship by ghosting are cowards and losers.
When I was a teenager, it was considered rude to call someone on the phone to break up. Breaking up required a face-to-face conversation. I liked this way of ending a relationship, It demanded certainty, specificity, and decency.
It wasn’t always easy, but it was always the right thing to do.
Admittedly, I haven’t ended a relationship in nearly 20 years, but every relationship prior to marrying Elysha was ended with a face-to-face conversation. A couple of those conversations were especially hard, but as I’m fond of saying, the right thing and the hard thing are almost always the same thing.
I realize that the world has changed since my teenage days. Email and texting have been added to our suite of communication tools, but I don’t think these methods are right for the job, either. Sending a text or email to end a relationship is certainly better than ghosting someone, but it’s still the coward’s way out.
If you can be eating a bowl of Chunky Monkey ice cream and watching Saturday Night Live while simultaneously ending your relationship via text message, you’re not ending the relationship properly.
A phone call, by today’s standards, is okay but not preferred. My teenage self would rail against this statement, but given the alternatives, it’s at least being done in real time.
Facetime and Zoom are slightly better. At least it’s face-to-face.
But if you have any dignity, decency, and courage,, you should end a relationship in person. Kindly, gently, and politely.
There will be some who say that ghosting is actually easier for both sides of the relationship. They will argue that a face-to-face meeting can be fraught with strong emotional responses, whereas a text message or even ghosting is easier on both parties. Some may even claim that using text messaging to end a relationship is the kindest way of doing so.
But they’re just fooling themselves. Concealing their cowardice in order to avoid the complex emotions that are supposed to happen when a relationship ends.
Ending a relationship isn’t supposed to be easy.
