I made this point recently on a social media post, but I wanted to make it here, too, for the masses:
Last week I wrote a screed against the chronically late:
People who routinely fail to arrive on time.
A small handful of readers were upset with me because I failed to recognize that some neurodivergent people struggle to be on time as a result of their neurodivergence. They argued, somewhat vehemently, that I should stop judging people who are chronically late for reasons beyond their control.
I’ve dealt with this kind of thing before. For the record:
Yes, exceptions to almost every argument exist.
In this particular case, I pointed out to my detractors that my daughter has autism, and I am a teacher who has taught hundreds of neurodivergent children in my lifetime.
Hundreds.
Yes, their neurodivergence, which my daughter reminds everyone is a strength, but not without struggle, can result in issues like chronic tardiness for a variety of reasons.
I know this very well.
Other reasons for being chronically late include:
Physical disability
Age
Chronic injury
Chronic injury
Mental illness
Providing care for others who aren’t always reliable
Dependence on unreliable public transportation
Dependence on unreliable vehicles without the ability to repair or replace
Many other things I’m probably not thinking about.
But when I write about the scourge of being late, I can’t reasonably produce a piece of writing that lists all of the exceptions to the rule, or it would be unreadable and annoying.
Reasonable people understand that exceptions always exist.
Reasonable people understand that every admonition, suggestion, accusation, and recommendation probably doesn’t apply to everyone, because exceptions always exist.
EXCEPTIONS ALWAYS EXIST.
Regarding my screed against the perpetually tardy:
Wheelchair bound people, for whom the world is much more difficult to navigate, could justifiably complain that I am judging them.
Folks who are 97 years old and move a little slower and take longer to do things might rightfully object.
My wife, who suffers from time blindness — an inability to accurately estimate how long something takes to complete — might also complain.
People who have an unreliable 1987 Ford Focus but can’t afford to repair or replace it might argue against me.
People whose only transportation option is unreliable public transit might take issue.
The blind might be rightfully angry. Someone on crutches with a broken leg. A person caring for aging parents who often have unexpected needs or require increasing levels of intervention might find my diatribe upsetting.
Except most don’t, because reasonable people know that exceptions exist.
But a whole bunch of perpetually late people — and likely the majority of those who are chronically late, based on my observations — could do something about it. The vast majority of people who are constantly late are not suffering from any of these exceptions. They are simply planning poorly or not planning at all. Or they are selfishly placing their needs ahead of others. Or they’re failing to create routines that would allow them to be on time. Or they are becoming distracted by phones and Netflix and half-hour showers.
That was my point.
Not to make neurodivergent or wheelchair bound people feel judged, which frankly, I think most of them understand.
Exceptions always exist. Writers can’t spend time or space listing them. That would be boring to write and boring to read.
I won’t spend my time highlighting exceptions because reasonable people know they always exist.
Instead, I expect my thoughtful readers to think, “Yes, I get it. That might not apply to me because I have to take the damn F train, which is never on time, but I see his general point.”
Or, “Yes, I hate when people are late for no reason. I only have one leg, which means I sometimes encounter situations that slow me down because the world wasn’t built for me, but I am an exception to the rule. I’m not included in his argument.”
Or, “I have OCD, which sometimes requires me to check locks and stoves and alarms more than I would like, and when my OCD is especially demanding, it can make me unexpectedly late. It’s a pain in the ass, but it’s me. But Matt certainly isn’t criticizing a person like me for being late, because I am a reasonable person who understands that chronic mental illness, like his own PTSD, is an exception to his argument, which all arguments contain.”
This is what most people think when they are an exception to a rule.
So please… before you email or text or leave a message on Facebook or Instagram telling me that my argument, complaint, or criticism was insensitive, myopic, shortsighted, or narrow-minded, ask yourself:
Is Matt talking about me?
Is he really talking about folks like me specifically, or is he speaking more generally?
Might I be an exception to his rule?
Is he really talking about folks like me specifically, or is he speaking more generally?
Might I be an exception to his rule?
If the answer is “Yes” or even “Maybe,” then relax. It’s probably not about you.
If this isn’t the case, and it’s clear my target is you or your behavior, then take my words personally if you must.
Disagree and despise.
Fire away.
Let me have it.
I don’t mind disagreement, argument, and conflict. In fact, I kind of love it.
Except when it’s obvious you weren’t the one I was talking about.
