Don’t talk in movies… except Taylor and Rocky
My children are physically incapable of speaking when we watch movies at home.
It’s incredibly annoying. Frustrating and awful.
Thankfully, they don’t speak in actual movie theaters because they aren’t monsters.
The exception, of course, was Taylor Swift’s recent concert film. Clara, Elysha, and I went to this movie, and talking, dancing, and general frivolity were perfectly acceptable.
Of course, Clara barely spoke at all. Even though she and Elysha had seen the concert from the edge of the stage at Gillette Stadium last year, she was mesmerized.
In fairness, I was, too.
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” is also an exception to this no-talking rule. As a card-carrying member of the Rocky Horror Picture Show fan club, I have participated in many midnight showings of the film over the years, where talking is not only permitted but required.
But other than those two films, talking should never happen in a movie theater, and happily, thankfully, my children abide by this rule.
But these “talking during the movie” monsters exist. They are awful people. The scum of the Earth. Not only do they talk, but they also remove their cellphones in the middle of the film and find reasons to use them despite the enormous screen in front of them.
These are stupid, selfish, despicable human beings.
It’s a nightmare.
Elysha and I were watching “The Village” years ago when a roving band of teenagers wandered into the theater, called out for a guy named Hector, and then left. They returned a few minutes later, stood near the door, and giggled before leaving again. Several minutes later, they returned for a third time, taking seats in the front row and resuming their conversations. I waited for a couple of minutes, hoping they would calm down or leave.
When they did not, I took action.
I walked down to the front row, took a position before the group, leaned in, and whispered, “You can shut up and stay, or you can leave now. But if you stay and keep on talking, I will make it my primary mission in life to get you kicked out of the theater, even if I have to lie and cheat to do it.”
They exited immediately.
I’m not suggesting that this is the preferred method of dealing with these situations. “The Village” was in theaters in 2004.
The world is a little more combative these days.
I’m also trying to be less confrontational.
But here is what I would support:
Yondr pouches for movie theaters, which lock your phones into pouches that cannot be opened while inside the theater. They are being used by comedians and musicians to prevent the use of phones during their performances, and some schools have wisely begun using them during the school day, too.
Every school should be using them every damn day.
These secured bags allow you to maintain possession of your phone at all times but deny you access to your phone in designated phone-free spaces.
Like the movie theater.
My friend and I recently attended comedian Bill Burr’s show, and our phones were locked in pouches for the entirety of his performance. After we left the stadium, scores of theater employees were ready to unlock the pouch so we could access our phones, and if we really needed our phones during the performance, we could simply exit the stadium and an employee in the concourse could open the bag for us.
It was lovely.
For nearly two hours, I did not see or hear a single cell phone. Instead, I was able to focus on the performance, undisturbed by small-minded technology addicts who can’t stop scrolling through status updates, taking selfies, and recording footage of a show from 120 feet away that they will never watch again.
The Yondr pouch (or any of its competitors) won’t stop people from talking in the theater, but it would at least eliminate the distraction of phones from theaters.
As for the talking, confrontation still works until it doesn’t, so I don’t advise it.
Even better, perhaps Yondr could design and develop a human-sized pouch, allowing us to stuff the fools inside as soon as they open their big mouths.
