Couch potato

In the United States, we use the phrase “couch potato” to describe someone who spends a significant amount of time sitting around, consuming content via a screen, and otherwise doing little else.

In other countries, couch potatoes are referred to as:

House cockerel (Ghanaian Ewe)
House mouse (Finnish)
One who squats in the parlor (German)
Slipper guy (Italian)
Living room pig (Norwegian)
Armchair fungus (Flemish)
Sofa turd (Chilean Spanish)

I love them all.

And yes, I know it’s possible that somehow, some way, someone is going to be offended by the implication that “couch potato” is a bad thing.

“Don’t judge my chosen lifestyle!”
“Let me be me!”
“How dare you elevate one way of living while denigrating another!”

Unfortunately, they can’t make any of these arguments because they are currently sitting on their couch, absent from the world. I suppose they could type their protests in an email or on social media, but those responses are blessedly, easily ignored.

I’d also like to head off any “exception highlighters.” These are folks who say things like:

“But what about people with serious mobility issues? Television is their window to the world!”
“Hey! Some of us are TV critics and are required to spend our workday on the sofa!”
“I spend my evenings with my cats, my books, and a mixture of almonds, roasted pine nuts, and dried apricots. Is that so bad?”

Please don’t be that person. Yes, there are exceptions to almost every rule, but an exception does not make an argument. It merely acknowledges that few things are absolute.

But we all know that already.

So, in the spirit that “couch potato” is perhaps a less-than-ideal way to spend a life, I offer a few of my own alternatives to “couch potato,” including:

Future regret machine
Meaningful moment stabber
Fictional friend collector
Passivity professional
One who does things that will be forgotten
Atrophy incarnate
Human glacier