The best pranks combine something a person loves with something they hate.
For me, I love Diet Coke.
I hate cotton.
There’s actually a name for my distaste of cotton:
Sidonglobophobia. It’s described as “having a dislike for how cotton balls feel or sound,” which is exactly how I feel.
It sounds bizarre, but I know at least two other people who suffer from this, including another teacher in my school.
I can’t stand touching cotton balls or even thinking about touching them, as I mistakenly told a class of students years ago. Ever since then, students have been using cotton balls against me. I’ve had my stapler encased in cotton, cotton balls strewn about my classroom, cotton balls jammed into my coat pockets, and cotton balls taped to the keys of my computer.
It’s been a nightmare.
Though I don’t tell new students about this condition, former students always make sure to tell my next batch of kids about this weakness so it can continue to be exploited.
It’s been going on for years.
Still, I was surprised when I was handed this clever and well-designed bit of Diet Coke art with the note:
“Cut me. The future is inside this soda can.”
I thought there was a note inside. Maybe a picture. But no… it was cotton.
Also two cloth strips with the words “lame-o” and “substitute” written on each.
“Lame-o” requires no explanation.
“Substitute” refers to the frequency with which I ask my colleagues how to initiate an online assessment, log into a program, understand an acronym, or prepare paperwork for a field trip. Details escape me, so I constantly lean on my teammates for assistance regarding the specificity of my job.
While doing so for the ten dozenth time this year, a student asked, “Are you a substitute teacher?” which was both rude and accurate, making the insult especially effective.
I’ve been at war with this student ever since.
This Diet Coke gag was the latest salvo.
Teaching is so fun.
