Best names I have been called

Every now and then, my school’s cafeteria serves “Nachos Grande.” When I announce this meal option to my students, I add that “Nachos Grande” might be an excellent nickname for me that they might want to consider.

None do. Most groan.

I can’t imagine why.

While I continue to try to convince my students to adopt this nickname for their fearless leader, I am reminded of other names that I have been called in the past, including:

My mother: “The Instigator”

Many of my friends, especially those who have known me for two decades or more: “Matty”

High school bullies (noting my – at the time – exceedingly large head and slender frame): “Egg Head”

My high school French teacher: Dickus

My high school French teacher once my brother and I occupied the same class: Big Dickus

My high school girlfriend: “Trouble”

Elysha: “Skookum” (a word meaning “marked by strength or power, first-rate”)

A college professor: “The Opposition”

Another college professor: “The Not-So-Silent Minority”

A class of students about a decade ago: “The Grinch”

Golfing buddies who workshopped two different insults into one: “A neckless stump with legs for arms”

My friend and former principal: “Arms like legs and legs like people”

Friends who know how disaster often strikes when I’m around: “The Matty Factor”

Adding “Nachos Grande” to this list would make me very happy, though I don’t see it coming any time soon.