Charlie and I exchanged emails from school to school yesterday. Neither of my children owns a phone, but they can use their Chromebooks during the day to send me email messages when needed.
These were not exactly needed.
Here is the transcript and some commentary of my own:
CHARLIE: how much money do i have
The boy is asking how much money he has banked from his allowance, which is fine, except the email was sent in the middle of his school day.
Not exactly a focused student.
Also, if you text or email with me, you’ll know I never use the lowercase version of “I” when writing anything. I also punctuate consistently and accurately. This bit of textual monstrosity offends me to the core.
MATT:: $42.25
CHARLIE: can i owe u 3 dollars
More textual monstrosity combined with the request for an interest-free loan. Also, a boy who seems obsessed with reducing keystrokes could’ve replaced the word “dollars” with the dollar symbol, which would’ve saved him six keystrokes.
A significant reduction in effort.
Again, all of this is happening in the middle of his school day.
CHARLIE: nvm
This is shorthand for “Never mind.” I also don’t use these shorthand phrases when texting or emailing, but this doesn’t offend me.
CHARLIE: nvm
Now he’s told me to “never mind” his previous “never mind.”
I think.
CHARLIE: can u get this 4 me https://www.thecubicle.com/
He’s now asking me to purchase him a speed cube with his allowance. Charlie is a competitive cuber who lost his speed cube a while ago and needs another.
The use of the number 4 to replace the word really irritates me. He’s reduced a three-letter word to a single number. Was the preservation of two keystrokes really worth looking like a fool?
CHARLIE: no nvm
He’s added a “no” to the “never mind.” Is this a double negative? Is he referencing the previous “never mind” or the one before it?
Who knows. Also, he has yet to use a single capital letter in any of this messaging.
CHARLIE: dont if u did cancel
Oy, there is so much to be annoyed with here. First, what the hell does this mean?
Also, using a single letter to replace the word “you” is awful, and his inability to use an apostrophe in “don’t” now seems aggressive — like he’s purposefully avoiding all punctuation just to rattle me.
CHARLIE: nvm order it
Now he’s added a splash of rudeness and entitlement to his messages. He’s ordering me to order something for him IN THE MIDDLE OF BOTH OUR SCHOOL DAYS. I’m eating lunch as these messages arrive, but he doesn’t know that, yet he expects me to drop everything for a speed cube without so much as a “please” or a note of deference.
MATT: Make up your mind!
CHARLIE: get out
MATT: Get out?
Charlie later explained to me that “get out” was an insult. Not the name of an excellent Jordan Peele film.
Since it’s such a dumb insult, I failed to register it as one.
CHARLIE: also yea i what it
The boy has added indiscernibility to his lowercase letters and the absence of punctuation.
MATT: Huh? “I what it?” What what?
CHARLIE: yeah the cube
I didn’t make the purchase until later that night after confirming his intentions and hassling him about his horrendous messaging.
Also, I weep for the future.
