I am a frequent writer of thank-you notes.
Thank you letters, too — whole pages of appreciation.
I love writing thank-you notes. I love thanking people for a job well done, a kindness received, or simple appreciation for who they are.
I teach my students the value of the unexpected or surprise thank you note—not for a gift but an act of kindness often overlooked or unmentioned.
Despite my affinity for the thank-you note, I would like to propose an end to the following statement and all statements like it:
“I was surprised you didn’t send a thank-you note.”
Statements like this make you a monster. They signal that you are passive-aggressive, unkind, and cruel.
If you’ve given a gift and are awaiting a thank-you note, you must find better ways to fill your time. Your life is clearly bereft of entertainment, importance, and meaning.
If you’re awaiting a thank-you note, you’ve somehow confused the act of giving with trading — a gift in return for an obligation. A supposed act of generosity in exchange for the expectation of a folded piece of cardboard adorned with a few formulaic sentences.
If you give or send a lovely gift to a friend or family member and don’t receive a thank you note, it’s okay to feel disappointed because receiving a thank you note is a lovely and sometimes even wondrous thing if the note is written well and heartfelt.
But gifts are meant to be given without the expectation of reciprocation, so get over it. Immediately. And don’t ever say a word about ut to the person kind enough to give you the gift.
If you’ve sent a gift through the mail and want to ensure it was received, a phone call or email to check is fine, but if you attempt to shame or guilt the recipient for failing to acknowledge the gift or thank you for it, stop it.
You’re a monster.
It’s not about you. It’s about the gift and the recipient.
Checking to ensure the postal service hasn’t failed you is reasonable. Passive-aggressively scolding someone for not thanking you makes you look needy, petty, and ignorant about the spirit of giving.
If you’ve been verbally thanked for the gift but still feel disappointed about not receiving a written thank-you note, stop it. Expressions of appreciation need not be delivered in written form. Verbal thank yous are just as valid as written ones.
If you actually express your disappointment, befuddlement, or faux confusion over failing to receive a thank-you note, you should stop giving gifts because you don’t understand the purpose and nature of a gift:
To make someone feel loved, seen, known, and appreciated. Absent any expectation of reciprocity.
Expressing disappointment, befuddlement, or faux confusion over failing to receive a thank-you note transforms your gift into an onerous eyesore.
A constant reminder that you are a small and petty person.
Find better, happier, and more productive ways to spend your time than waiting for and expecting a thank-you note.
Don’t ruin the beauty of a gift by your sad and petty need for appreciation.
