Archive for June 2024

I haven’t dated in 20 years. Elysha and I started dating back in the spring of 2004. We moved in together during the summer of that same year. On December 28, 2004, I asked her to marry me on the top step of Grand Central Station in New York City while two dozen friends were…

I saw this sign as I pulled into the garage for an oil change yesterday. The garage has long, open pits designed to be driven over so that mechanics can access the car’s undercarriage. Keeping the wheels on either side of the open pit isn’t particularly difficult, but it requires a certain degree of attention…

As you probably heard, Louisiana has become the first state to require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom. It’s obviously a violation of the Constitution’s freedom of religion and separation of church and state, but also, it’s a stupid list of rules. If you were to choose the ten most…

My Excuses I left the garage door open overnight For not the first time But only because I was distracted by Your gentle sigh as you turn a page in a book The easy gravitational fall of your head on my shoulder while sitting side by side on the couch The way The Beach Boys…

I was speaking to an expecting mother recently. She lamented how many people were warning her about the perils of parenting. “So many warnings,” she said. “It’s starting to scare me.” I remember this well. When Elysha and I were expecting, I received similar sentiments of doom and gloom all the damn time. And so,…

I love minor-league baseball. The combination of genuine athletic excellence, relentless amusement, unabashed silliness, and low-stakes competition make for the perfect way to spend an afternoon at the ballpark. On Father’s Day, my family spent the day at Dunkin Donuts Field, home of the Hartford Yard Goats. The home team was engaged in a pitching…

A few months ago, I performed in “Matt and Jeni Are Unprepared,” a storytelling improv show in which audience members provide my storytelling partner, Jeni Bonaldo, and me with prompts, from which we tell true stories on the spot. The audience then determines whose stories are better. It’s competitive storytelling on a highwire, and I…

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who would never, ever share their toothbrush with another person. Those who might grudgingly share their toothbrush with their spouse or child or someone similarly intimate if necessary. Those who would share their toothbrush with almost any other person I’m in category 3, but I…

Bill Maher is a comedian I like very much because he says things I love and hate. Sometimes, I agree with him entirely. Other times, I think he’s wrongheaded and dumb. But I like that. I enjoy being challenged. I think opposition to my ideas is healthy and productive. Unlike so many people who seem…

Years ago, someone asked my wife, Elysha, when she first started falling in love with me. Thankfully, I was standing beside her when this question was asked. My assumption, of course, was that she took one look at me, swooned, and fell head over heels in love. This, it turns out, was not the case. …