I haven't dated in 20 years. Elysha and I started dating back in the spring of 2004. We moved in together during the summer of that same year. On December…

I saw this sign as I pulled into the garage for an oil change yesterday. The garage has long, open pits designed to be driven over so that mechanics can…

As you probably heard, Louisiana has become the first state to require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom. It's obviously a violation of the Constitution's…

My Excuses I left the garage door open overnight For not the first time But only because I was distracted by Your gentle sigh as you turn a page in…

I was speaking to an expecting mother recently. She lamented how many people were warning her about the perils of parenting. "So many warnings," she said. "It's starting to scare…

I love minor-league baseball. The combination of genuine athletic excellence, relentless amusement, unabashed silliness, and low-stakes competition make for the perfect way to spend an afternoon at the ballpark. On…

A few months ago, I performed in "Matt and Jeni Are Unprepared," a storytelling improv show in which audience members provide my storytelling partner, Jeni Bonaldo, and me with prompts,…

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who would never, ever share their toothbrush with another person. Those who might grudgingly share their toothbrush with their spouse…

Bill Maher is a comedian I like very much because he says things I love and hate. Sometimes, I agree with him entirely. Other times, I think he's wrongheaded and…

Years ago, someone asked my wife, Elysha, when she first started falling in love with me. Thankfully, I was standing beside her when this question was asked. My assumption, of…