Archive for February 2023
Not a joke. Also not funny.
Tiger Woods apologized Friday and said he didn’t mean to offend anyone by what he called “a prank” during the first round of the Genesis Invitational on Thursday. After Woods’ tee shot went 20 yards past Justin Thomas’ ball on the ninth hole at the Riviera Country Club, Woods covertly passed a tampon to Thomas as…Read More
Best Valentine’s Day card of 2023
One of Elysha’s favorite things is when I take a card for an entirely inappropriate occasion and transform it to fit the occasion at hand. A “Condolences on the death of your pet” becomes a birthday card. A housewarming card becomes a “Congratulation on the birth of your daughter” card. A “Congratulations on your new…Read More
Brutal, memorable, perfect birthday wishes
Thank you for all the birthday wishes yesterday. They were both appreciated and overwhelming. A few highlights from the day: One of my students gave me a box of chocolates, saying, “Happy birthday. You’re officially one year closer to your death.” Another student said, “Happy birthday, Mr. Dicks. Enjoy your dwindling time left on this…Read More
Raising chickens is not the answer
The sale of chickens has exploded since egg prices skyrocketed as a result of the recent avian flu, the consolidation in the egg industry, and inflation. In light of the sudden increase in egg prices, Americans have decided that the answer is to purchase chickens of their own. As a result, hatcheries are now having…Read More
It’s Valentine’s Day! I know that a great number of people despise Valentine’s Day. They reject it as a fabricated, commercialized Hallmark holiday They protest the inflated flower prices and their inability to get a reservation in any decent restaurant. They are offended by the reminder that they are still single. Or newly single. Or…Read More
Friends in Low Places (under the table)
Clara celebrated her birthday on Saturday night with five of her friends. They ate pizza, talked incessantly, sang Hamilton in unison, climbed under the dining room table for a moment (still not sure why), pet the cat, and watched a movie. Cake, popcorn, candy, and ice cream also played a role. Oddly, almost all of…Read More
You’re probably talking too much.
A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences assigned 252 people into pairs of strangers and left them to talk about whatever they wanted for anywhere from 1-45 minutes. Then they conducted an exit interview with each participant asking when they would have preferred the conversation to wrap up. They found that…Read More
“Just in case” turned out to be my case
I have pneumonia. I thought I might have pneumonia. I’ve had pneumonia five times in the past 20 years, including once during Elysha and my tenth-anniversary weekend celebration in Kennebunkport, Maine (where I famously kept my illness a secret for the entire weekend to avoid spoiling the vacation). When I went to the urgent care…Read More
Buffer time or no time?
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe in getting ready for the day well before they ever need to leave their home. These are people who shower and get dressed first thing. They eat breakfast, brush their teeth, organize their belongings, and pack their bag long before it’s time to…Read More
Plumbing and poetry
Last night, I was dreaming about the clogged toilet in our upstairs bathroom. I need to find a plumber to fix it, but when I called plumbers yesterday, I couldn’t find anyone available for at least three days. I was annoyed. I didn’t want to wait three days. Then, in my dream, it occurred to…Read More