I walked into a toddler birthday party years ago and found a new father sitting by himself, looking dejected. Knowing the guy and knowing what early fatherhood can be like, I sat down beside him and said:
“Your baby doesn’t love you. Right?
“YES!” he sighed.
He was so relieved. He thought he was the only one feeling this way, and being a father, he didn’t want to talk about it to anyone.
He felt like a failure.
For first-time dads, this is especially hard. For the first few months, fathers can often feel like second-class citizens. We have so little that our children want, and so little to offer, and often, babies become so attached to their moms that it’s hard to separate the two and find some space of our own.
It’s easy to start to wonder if our child will ever love us.
It’s also incredibly difficult for a husband to talk to his wife about it because pregnancy is so hard on mothers. They have so many physical needs that it’s hard for a dad to say, “Hey, I know you’re not sleeping, and your nipples are cracked, and your hormones are out of control, and you still haven’t pooped since you gave birth, and you don’t think you’ll ever be attractive again, but I’m feeling sad about my bonding with the baby. Can we talk about it?”
He should talk about it, of course. But it’s not easy.
My advice to him that day:
Yes, it sucks, but at least your nipples aren’t cracking, and TV commercials for dog food aren’t making you cry. Also, there’s nothing you can do except support your wife. But it gets better. Your child is bonding with you. It’s just happening slowly.
Impossibly slowly.
Then I added:
And even though you don’t believe it, your wife wants to know how you’re feeling. As beautiful as parenthood can be, those first few months can be rough, too. It’s no fun to feel like you’re suffering alone. Talk to your wife. She’ll feel better for it, and so will you.
Also, don’t wash your baby in the kitchen sink like a head of lettuce. Your wife won’t be happy when she walks into the kitchen and finds her infant in the drying rack beside a coffee cup and a wooden spoon.
I speak from experience.
