I was asked by a client about how she and her soon-to-be husband should handle their money upon getting married.
“Keep it separate? Combine? Do some combination of the two?”
My answer, and also the correct answer, was immediate:
Combine your money. Shove it all into one, big (or small) pile.
While I’m sure there are couples who are happily married while maintaining entirely separate bank accounts, I think that this generally does not work well. I’ve personally known a handful of couples who keep their finances separate, and in every case, the separation of money has created purposeless, avoidable discontent from time to time, for a variety of easily foreseen reasons.
It makes no sense.
When you marry someone, you are committing your life to that person. You are becoming a team. Merging your two existences.
Why would you not also merge your finances?
One spouse told me that they wanted some money of their own so they wouldn’t need to justify every purchase made.
This means that either their spouse is a controlling, nit-picking busybody or they are making purchases that need to be concealed from their spouse for some reason.
Both of these cases indicate a serious problem in the marriage.
One spouse told me that they came to the marriage with very different financial situations. “Why should I be responsible for debt accrued before we were married?
“Because you’re married, nitwit!”
Separate finances can also create enormous problems when a couple decides to have children, which often leads to one spouse remaining at home for a period of time, earning little or no money, while the other continues to work. Expenses related to the children also come into play. It’s also problematic if one spouse loses a job or decides that they want a career change.
It’s especially problematic if one spouse is making considerably more money than another.
In short, it makes no sense. As I said, I’m sure there are couples who manage separate finances just fine, but even in these cases, I stand opposed to this arrangement. In my mind, you’re only courting future strife. It’s akin to merging two lives into one while keeping one important toe outside the marriage, separate and distinct.
Why? Just in case things don’t work out?
Elysha and I moved in together two months after we began dating but also more than a year after becoming friends. We kept our finances separate, reviewing bills at the end of the month and splitting things 50/50.
Three months into this arrangement (and five months into our relationship), I was sitting at my desk at the end of the month, preparing to split the bills again, when I called over to Elysha:
“This is annoying. Can I just put all of our money into one account, and I’ll pay all the bills?”
“Thank God,” Elysha said. “Yes, please.”
We’ve never looked back.
Full disclosure:
Though our salaries were about equal, I was also running a DJ business at the time that was bringing in a sizable amount of cash. And though Elysha and I had little by way of savings at the time, my credit was considerably better than Elysha’s, and Elysha had much larger student loans than I did.
Did I care about these calculations when I offered to combine our finances? Was I concerned that things weren’t quite even when we combined our financial forces?
Of course not. We were only living together for three months at the time, but I knew that I would never find better woman with whom to share my life. So unless she managed to find someone better than me, we would be together forever.
Her credit rating and her debt was mine, too. We were a team. For richer or poorer, we were together.
Since then, a lot has happened. Elysha stayed home for nearly ten years, raising our children. She wasn’t paid by anyone during those ten years, but the work she did was invaluable.
Worth millions.
She returned to teaching a few years ago, but as a result of her time at home, my teaching salary is considerably higher than hers today. I also publish books. I write columns. I operate a consulting business. I’m often paid to speak. I invest money in the stock market. I’m in the process of launching a new business.
Do I ever think that of my book advances or royalties as my money? Do I ever think of my consulting or speaking fees as my own?
Of course not.
Last week, my agent sold the Russian translation rights to The Other Mother. When I read the email, I called out to Elysha, “We sold the Russian rights to The Other Mother.”
We sold them.
She didn’t write the book. She didn’t edit or revise the book. I’m not even sure if she read the book in its final form.
But “We sold the rights” because we are together in all things.
If you and your spouse have been together for 40 years, maintaining separate finances, and are perfectly happy, then I am happy for you. But I still don’t approve of your arrangement. I would still advise against it. I still think you’re making a mistake.
If that upsets you, relax. I’m neither your marriage counselor nor your financial adviser. Just a guy who was asked by a client about how she and her future spouse should handle their money and had strong opinions about it.
I’m just a guy who knows the correct answer to this marital conundrum, even if you incorrectly think that I’m wrong.
