Archive for August 2011
Convenience would be a shoe shine boy and a bidet. Not an unlocked door.
I found this sign hanging on the restroom in the local Marshall’s department store. Note that the restroom contains three urinals and two stalls. It’s a large restroom. Not a single person suite. And thankfully, it is “unlocked for my convenience.” Unlocked for my convenience? Someone explain this sign to me. Please. And don’t tell…
Read MoreFeeling uncertain about my chest
I like the song “Hey, Soul Sister” by Train a lot. I’ve been listening to it this week as part of my evening run playlist, so I’ve had an opportunity to pay closer attention to the lyrics. The second verse has left me feeling somewhat disconcerted. Just in time, I’m so glad you have a…
Read MoreThe Wikipedia entry on “receptionist” is fascinating. Little did I know that it would lead me to the body of Christ.
I find it amusing when someone says that they work “in reception.” As if reception is a department akin to accounting or marketing or IT. In truth, I’ve only had one person ever say this directly to me, but the phrase came up in conversation last week, and I’ve heard it referenced before. I find this seeming…
Read MoreFriends don’t let friends post creepy video messages on the Internet to women half their age
And just like that, Emma Stone is suddenly the least fortunate starlet in Hollywood. Carrey claims that the video was supposed to be funny and was made to promote his new website, but the video is not funny. Even if he was attempting to be funny, that does not make it any less creepy. “I…
Read MoreKitchen disco!
There are lots of good reasons to embrace my role as both a husband and a father. But rarely do they come together so perfectly:
Read MoreHelp me choose my column for McSweeney’s
The very funny and popular website McSweeney’s is running its annual column contest, and I am planning to enter. The guidelines are thus: We are looking for writing that is engaging and interesting, in a “we know it when we see it” way. It would probably be a mistake to look at our current columns…
Read MoreWhat is your favorite number? Favorite color?
Want to know how to annoy kids of all ages? When they ask you for your favorite number or color, tell them that you don’t have one. It completely disrupts their understanding of the world. For some, it’s as if the entire planet has shifted on its axis, and the apocalypse is near. What makes…
Read MoreIs this sufficient visual evidence to determine a person’s IQ?
You go to the gym, presumably to exercise. But instead of parking your car in one of many the available spots at the rear of the parking lot (as seen in photo #3) or in the empty adjacent parking lot not visible in these photos, you choose to: 1. Park illegally. 2. Park poorly. 3.…
Read MoreStop counting words
I would like to offer an unsolicited, probably unwanted piece of advice to many of the writers who I meet in real life and especially on Twitter: Stop counting words. Stop setting word count goals. Pay no attention to those numbers at the bottom of your screen. Please don’t get me wrong. There is no…
Read MoreOverwhelming evidence of insanity
I am not the first person to question out-of-context quotations. Having been victimized by the deliberate mis-characterization and outright altering of written statements, I know how easy it is to paint an inaccurate and unfair image of a person simply based upon out-of-context statements that a person has made. But there comes a time when…
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