It’s coffee.

New statistic

97.3 percent of all jokes regarding coffee are not funny.

Listening to a podcast the morning, the hosts began the show by warning listeners that “Brian just drank a mocha cappuccino, so we don’t know what’s going to happen today!”

“Look out!  There’s going to be trouble!”

“This guy’s already a lunatic!”

“Emergency teams are standing by!”

Not funny. 

Seriously, in a double-blind study conducted over the course of my lifetime, I have determined that 97.3 of all jokes, quips, anecdotes,  Facebook status updates, Twitter posts and all other forms of humor, amusement and jocularity regarding coffee are stupid.  Also included are jokes regarding caffeine, coffee shops, coffee addiction and all the variants on coffee.  These jokes are tired, worn out, not funny and most often annoying and stupid. 

Facebook status updates that read:  Need. Coffee. Now.   STUPID.

Twitter posts that read: All the #coffee in Columbia won’t make me a morning person.  STUPID

Even an early morning declaration that “I’m not going to survive this meeting without a second cup of coffee” or comments implying the need to inject or free-base your first cup of coffee to kick start your day.  STUPID

Based upon the results of my peer-reviewed research study, you should never risk a joke or even attempt a mildly amusing wisecrack regarding coffee unless you are as talented as Chris Rock and have recently been possessed by the spirit of the late George Carlin.

In the hands of a professional, almost all of these jokes about coffee are still stupid, which is why you would never hear a comic like Chris Rock or even the ghost of George Carlin making such a stupid remark.

You should follow suit.  Coffee is something that you drink.  Sometimes it contains caffeine, as does soda, chocolate and a hundred other foods.

It’s not nearly as vital, special, singular or important to your life as you think.