Wedding season is upon us.
I haven’t worked a wedding for more than a year now, but from 1996 to 2024, my partner, Bengi, and I were the DJs at more than 500 weddings, and I’ve officiated more than 50 weddings as well.
When we started back in 1996, we still had a cassette deck in our rig and had no cell phone, laptop, or GPS.
I don’t know how we did it.
Almost three decades later, I’ve learned a great deal about the mechanics and etiquette of a wedding. One thing that I’ve come to despise and you should avoid is this:
Impromptu toasts.
This happens when the best man, the father of the bride, the maid of honor, and anyone else scheduled to deliver a toast finishes their speeches, and then Uncle George or your friend from high school or your next-door neighbor rises, suddenly moved to deliver a toast of their own.
My advice:
As charming as an impromptu toast may seem, it’s not. Don’t do it.
There are several reasons for this:
- Weddings and receptions are often timed to the minute. An unexpected five-minute interruption can cause problems that you cannot begin to imagine.
- The order in which people are chosen to speak is often decided upon for a very specific reason. The bride and groom, for example, may ask the maid of honor to deliver the final toast because she is funny and will alleviate some of the weight of the best man’s toast, which references the groom’s grandmother who died two weeks ago. Your unplanned toast may ruin the carefully constructed order entirely.
- Brides and grooms carefully choose the people to deliver speeches, and they often receive more requests than they can accommodate. Often, requests to speak are declined for time constraints or other reasons (if we let you speak, we’d have to let Uncle Joey speak, and that wouldn’t go well). Assuming that your toast will be welcomed and appreciated is often incorrect and can lead to awkward explanations later.
- If the bride and groom had wanted you to speak, they would have asked you to speak.
- Delivering an impromptu toast or speech can come across as attention-seeking and narcissistic when you are clearly not supposed to be the center of attention.
If you would like to share a thought or wish for the bride and groom, please do so privately. Propose a smaller, less formal toast when they stop by your table. Offer a private toast when you find yourself alone with the married couple. Or just take the couple aside and say a few heartfelt words.
Maybe even write them a letter that they can read after the honeymoon.
If your goal is to say a few kind words to the bride and groom, you don’t need the microphone and the attention of every guest in order to do so.
If you feel like you need the microphone and the attention of everyone at the wedding in order to make your toast, ask yourself if your toast is less about the bride and groom and more about you.
It almost certainly is.
