Ten years ago, I created my theoretical rider.
I’ve decided to update it today.
A rider is a list of requirements that musicians, comedians, and the like require in order to perform.
Mariah Carey reportedly insists on two vases of white roses. Barbara Streisand demands peach-colored toilet paper. Paul McCartney forbids any leather or animal products in his green room. Justin Timberlake requires that someone disinfect the doorknobs at any backstage venue or hotel he occupies every two hours. On top of that, it’s necessary for him to have the elevator and an entire floor of a hotel to himself.
I know authors who require a specific type and number of pen for signing books.
I also have a preferred pen, but I simply take one with me or use the one provided by the venue.
Van Halen famously had one of the most oddly specific requests of all time:
A bowl of M&M candies, with all the brown ones removed.
This particular request, however, was for good reason. Van Halen had one of the largest and therefore potentially dangerous stage shows at the time. If not assembled properly, their lives could be in danger. So if the band went backstage and saw brown M&Ms on the catering table, then they knew the promoter had not read the contract rider in full and would need to do a line check of the entire stage setup to guarantee their safety.
Clever.
My stage show is slightly more modest than Van Halen’s. I ask for a microphone, preferably handheld, with a backup microphone at the ready in case something goes wrong with the first.
Also, no podiums or play-on music.
Ick.
But if I ever reach the heights of a Timberlake or Van Halen and can insist on a more complex and detailed rider, it would be something like this:
Matthew Dicks’s Rider
- Six-pack of Diet Coke, 16.9-ounce bottles, glass, caffeinated or not, chilled
- Apple cider, quart, chilled
- Six stamped postcards featuring something of local interest
- Two friendly cats (preferably kittens)
- A book of Billy Collins’ poetry or Billy Collins
- Baseball cap of a local sports team (excluding the New York Jets)
- Digital picture frame capable of receiving photos from my iPhone
- Raisnets, 8-ounce bag
- Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra, one pint
- Minor league baseball schedule, local team (if applicable)
- A working digital clock visible from the stage
- A stool that does not swivel
I might also ask for all those M&M’s taken from Van Halen’s bowl, but only in honor of their wisdom and excellent music.
