It’s my final day as an elementary school teacher. After 27 years of standing in a classroom teaching second, third, and fifth-grade students, my career is coming to an end.
It is bittersweet, to be sure. Also strange, exciting, incomprehensible, and unbelievable.
I will have many things to say about my career, education, students, and more in the coming days and weeks.
I thought I’d share this list on my last day of teaching:
A list of lessons I taught kids every year that were not part of the curriculum. This list is a combination of things I explicitly teach because I believe they are important and things students have told me over the years that have been enormously helpful to them.
Many items on the list are arguably more important than anything in any curriculum.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she is pregnant.
Old people can sometimes look weird, but they often have lots of good things to say.
“I’m sorry. I made a mistake. I’ll try not to do that again,” is always the best first response to any trouble you may be in.
The people who make their dreams come true are the people who work the hardest. Talent means little in this world. Effort is everything.
Good listeners are the most beloved people on the planet.
You must know how to read an analog clock.
Fight with your feet. If someone hits you, run. Fighting back only endangers your life and the life of your attacker. Also, you never know what a person might have in their pocket. A pushing or fist fight can quickly become a knife or gun fight before you know it.
Never, ever download a video game on your phone. They are time-killers and regret-makers.
Most people settle for a career rather than chasing their passion and end up living lives of quiet desperation. Promise yourself that you won’t let this happen to you. Chase your dreams forever if necessary.
Remember that most disasters will be meaningless in a year. Maybe a week. Sometimes a day.
Know your home address and parents’ phone number. When your phone’s battery dies or you drop your phone in the toilet, you should still be able to call a parent and find your way home.
The unexpected thank-you note is the best kind of thank-you note.
Think of reply-all as a hand grenade. Handle with great caution.
The weird ones are the interesting ones.
Read fiction and nonfiction. People who read only one of these genres are feeding only half of their brains.
Don’t ever ask someone why they don’t have children
Befriend people who are smarter than you.
Make sure your bathing suit is securely fastened before jumping off a diving board.
Almost no one cares about what you look like. Good hair days don’t exist for anyone but you. The Spotlight Effect is real. Truly. The sooner you embrace this truth, the happier you will be.
Wear deodorant every day. This is a non-negotiable.
Never, ever tell a person who asks you how to spell a word to look it up in the dictionary. No stupider way of finding a word’s spelling exists.
Don’t ever be “too cool” to sing, dance, or participate in gym class.
Never, ever allow a person to sit alone in the cafeteria at lunch.
If you learn to speak extemporaneously to an audience, you will have a skill that almost every other person on the planet does not have, and you will find yourself in great demand.
Shakespeare isn’t as hard as people want you to believe. Read this work. Keep reading it for the rest of your life.
If you want something, fight for it in writing.
No one wants to see photos of your vacation.
If you don’t have a phone yet, congratulations. Your parents are wise and strong beyond their years. Celebrate your analog life. It is more glorious than you could ever know. You’re missing out on nothing.
A chore is not a name. It’s the amount of time required to complete a task. When you think of chores this way, they get much easier to complete.
People who are willing to do the boring, hard work have the easiest, least boring lives.
Optimists tend to be happier people, even though pessimists are often right in the end.
There are two kinds of people in this world: stagnant and expanding. Expanding people are rare. They are always looking for the next horizon. Always seeking the next adventure. Stagnant people are everywhere. They are content to stay and do the same thing every day. They will also ultimately experience great regret for all they did not try to do.
The loudest person in the room is almost always the weakest person in the room.
Exercise every day if possible, even if it means simply taking a walk. It’s good for your body, brain, spirit, and sleep.
After something terrible happens, you may hear someone say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Don’t punch this person in the face, even though you very much want to. People should not be punched simply because they are stupid.
Learn to swim, ride a bike, drive a car, change a diaper, and tie your shoes. As soon as possible.
Always help your family with dinner. Cook, set the table, or clean up afterward. Work for your food.
Winners arrive on time. Losers are always unexpectedly stuck in traffic.
You may hear someone tell you that if you want something enough, you can manifest it and make it happen. When they say this, the correct response is, “If only those starving children in Ethiopia had wanted food more, they would be alive today.”
Competing means almost always losing. Almost all competitions end with one winner and a whole bunch of losers. Still, compete often. Win sometimes. Lose most of the time. It’s normal.
Learn to play chess, poker, and set-back.
Never share a secret that isn’t yours to tell.
Learn how to cook at least three meals very well.
Any chore that takes two minutes or less should be done immediately. Dishes in the sink should never be a thing.
Not knowing something is absolutely normal. Pretending that you know something that you don’t really know is crazypants.
The single greatest thing you can do to guarantee your future success is to read a lot. Read every day. Read more than everyone else.
Don’t ever expect life to be fair. Don’t become bitter when it is not. Keep moving forward.
Complain less than the people around you. If possible, avoid complaining altogether.
The best comeback to any insult or words of unkindness is, “Are you okay?” You can follow this with things like, “Did you know that help is available for someone like you?” and “What you’ve said makes me really worried about your mental health.”
Nothing good ever comes from watching reality television. Also, almost nothing about reality television is real.
Drop mean friends instantly. There are too many people in this world to waste your time with a selfish jerk face.
Treat sleep with respect. Learn to sleep properly. Many people who struggle with sleep are simply doing it wrong.
Don’t ever expect life to be fair. Don’t become bitter when it is not. Keep moving forward. Make the next minute better.
Visit your former teachers often.
