I was asked, oddly enough by a person who I don’t actually know, for advice on dividing household chores if you’re married or operating in a similarly cohabitating, romantic entanglement.
My response, fancied up a bit:
I’ve heard a multitude of ways in which couples divide household responsibilities:
Everything from assigning permanent chores to actual chore wheels to a weekly chore auction. I’ve also heard people gripe, complain, and obsess over equity and fairness in the home. I’ve watched couples go to war over who is responsible for what and who is pulling more of the cart than the other.
I offered this instead:
Try to do as much as you can for the person you love. Ideally, they will in turn do the same. As a result, each of you will do as much as possible for the other, and things will get done.
Everyone will be happy.
I like to think that this is how Elysha and I divide chores. At the very least, it’s how I approach our household needs. If I can do it, I do it, because it makes things a little easier for Elysha.
I think she does the same. She may not possess the same heroic, selfless desire to adorn my journey with metaphorical roses and chocolate ice cream, but I like to think she does.
If not, allow me to pretend.
But yes, it’s true that we also have chores that one of us does more often than the other.
I tend to wash and fold the children’s laundry. I’m more likely to take out the trash. I probably empty the dishwasher most of the time. I make the kids their breakfast almost daily.
Elysha changes the cat litter. She waters the plants. She makes the bed every morning. She purchases and rotates the children’s clothing. Shampoos cat vomit off the carpets.
Until the pandemic, she cooked and I cleaned the dishes. Then I learned to cook, so today, one of us cooks and the other cleans. We probably split these chores evenly.
Elysha handles all things related to doctors and dentists. She is the person who deals with the exterminator, electrician, handyman, and landscaper. She purchases gifts for most occasions.
I handle all things related to finance. I manage the Boy Scout, baseball, and summer camp paperwork and scheduling.
I sweep. I do the vast majority of sweeping in our home. I also mop. I am definitely the only person who mops unless there is an actual spill.
But nothing about this is set in stone. As I write this, Elysha is folding the children’s laundry. She emptied the dishwasher earlier today. I was going to surprise her by changing the cat litter, but the basement stairs were so in need of a sweep and a mop that I did this instead.
But I’ve been known on occasion to change that litter. And before we owned Tobi and Pluto, we owned Jack and Owen, and I changed the litter for those two cats.
When I see something that I can do to make her life a little easier, I do it. I think she does the same. We work hard to make the day a little easier for the person we love.
If a chore wheel or auction or multi-colored chore chart or Sunday night argument over who is doing what works well for you, great. If you and your partner assigned chores long ago and have fallen into a blissful, copacetic routine, bully for you.
But I think our way works well, too.
Simply seek to make the person you love a little happier by lightening their load. If they are doing the same, all is well.
Of course, if your partner is a selfish monster, a lazy freeloader, or an incompetent boob, disregard everything I’ve said.
Also, my condolences.
