Every Christmas, I take inventory of the holiday gifts that my wife gives me.
Some people wish for cashmere sweaters, brand new video game systems, stylish watches, and jewelry. My hope is often for the least pretentious, most unexpected, quirkiest little gift possible, and she never fails to deliver.
For the past six years, I’ve been documenting the gifts that Elysha gives me on Christmas because they are so damn good. Every year has been just as good as the last, if not better.
The 2009 Christmas haul featured a signed edition of a Kurt Vonnegut novel.
The 2010 Christmas haul featured a key that I still use today.
The 2011 Christmas haul featured my often-used Mr. T in a Pocket.
The 2012 Christmas haul featured my fabulous No button.
The 2013 Christmas haul featured my remote controlled helicopter.
The 2014 Christmas haul featured my “I Told You So” pad.
My wife did not disappoint this year!
Not shown in the photo is a Star Wars tee shirt and a new pair of slippers.
My favorite of all my gift are the schadenfreude mints: “As delicious as other people’s misery.”
And if you’re not familiar with the word schadenfreude (one of my favorite words), the definition is on the back of the mints.
I’m also a big fan of the Get Off The Phone Excuse Machine, which makes six sounds useful for convincing someone that a phone call must end. Sounds include phone static, a doorbell, a siren, and a knock on a door followed by someone shouting that the Chinese food has arrived.
Equally impressive is this cardboard version of the French knight in the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which includes three of his most famous insults.
And for all you overly precious, artisinal lunatics, you’ll be pleased to know that this was handmade by an artisan who sells her wares on Etsy
Rounding out the haul is a Superman Lego keychain and a Shakespeare insult generator. These generators exist online in many forms, but I’ve never seen a real world version before.
I shall use it often.
