As promised, I attempted to gain access to BeautifulPeople.com over the Labor Day weekend, hoping that the members of the social network feel slightly more charitable than the last time I tried to join.
BeautifulPeople was originally launched as a dating site that billed itself as “an exclusively beautiful community.” It recently added an employment feature on the website intended for employers who want to hire “good-looking staff.”
To be granted entry to BeautifulPeople, individuals must submit a headshot that is voted upon by existing members of the opposite sex. If one is deemed beautiful enough to gain entry – a process the company claims is “fair and democratic” – not only will you “have access to the most attractive people locally and from around the globe,” but job seekers will also be able to look through the site’s job listings, apply directly to companies and network with other presumably “beautiful” people.
After uploading my headshot, I began the 48 hour process in which women who are already members of the social network voted on my level of attractiveness.
The voting is fairly transparent. At any time, you can see how you are faring on the attractiveness scale, as well as your current IN/OUT standing.
Things did not start out well. Less than three minutes into the voting, I was already out, which was a dramatic change from the first time I applied. Almost instantly, women who I had never met found me unworthy.
Needless to say, I was discouraged and feeling stupid for trying this thing again.
Ten minutes later, I was feeling even worse, both because I was desperate enough to hit refresh after only 10 minutes and because my In/Out status was looking even worse. My status plummeted to levels that I’d never seen during my first attempt, and the number of women who clearly felt that I was not beautiful had soared.
I began to lose hope.
When I awoke the next morning, I braced myself for disappointment and grudgingly checked my status again. Surprisingly, I was greeted with excellent news. Not only had my score increased considerably, but I was in! Not too many members of BeautifulPeople.com considered me beautiful, but a whole bunch thought of me as “Hmmm… OK.”
I could live with “Hmmm, OK.” I could easily leave this.
This is probably how my wife would describe me.
Six hours later my status had dipped a bit, but I was still in. Like the first time I applied to this social network, my status continued to hover on the line between In and Out, but as long as I remained In, I didn’t mind.
I didn’t need a slam-dunk. I didn’t want absolute beauty. Just acceptance.
Four hours later, my status has soared.
Not really, but it felt as if it had soared. Every millimeter to the right of center felt like a mile. I was nearing the halfway point of my voting period and the ladies clearly felt that I was solidly “Hmmm… OK.”
It was thrilling.
It was nine hours before I could check my status again. As I clicked the refresh button, I crossed my fingers, hoping for anything above the In/Out line. A micrometer would do.
Unfortunately, the micrometer was on the wrong side of center. I was out. It was by the barest of margins, but I was definitively out. Even worse, my “Absolutely not” ratings had soared.
A significant number of women were unable to find my physical appearance even mildly palatable.
All hope was lost.
Three hours later, I refreshed my status, not expecting to find anything good but knowing that I would need screen shots to write this post.
Just like that, Hope was restored! I was in, by the slimmest of margins yet again, but this fight was not over. Women all over the world were rising up and saying, “He’s… hmmm, OK, damn it! Let him in!”
I couldn’t believe it.
Three hours later, my status had risen considerable. Three-quarters of the way through my voting period and with an afternoon and evening of Labor Day left for voting, I was clearly, undeniably beautiful. If my plan was working, all of these female voters were spending the last day of their holiday weekend at beaches, picnics and backyard barbeques. None of them would have the time nor the inclination to log into their network and vote on candidates like me.
My entry into this network would be all but assured.
Just before leaving for my own backyard barbeque, I refreshed my browser one more time. My status was holding strong. Things were looking good. I left my home with hope in my heart and visions of beauty in my mind.
I returned home with less than two hours remaining in the voting and refreshed. Hope was instantly replaced by despair. Though the women who were voting on me were verifiably beautiful (at least by their social network standards), none of them had apparently been invited to any social gatherings for Labor Day. Voting had continued while I was eating hot dogs and swapping stories with friends, and it had not gone well. I was once again out, hovering around the center of the status bar.
I also noticed that I was receiving considerably fewer “Beautiful” ratings than my last attempt to gain access to the network. This was turning into a battle between women who thought I was not beautiful and women who thought I was marginally acceptable.
This was not good.
With less than an hour to go, I was still out and hope was fading fast. There were nearly as many “Absolutely Not” ratings than anything else. Even though I was still hovering near the center of the status bar, I felt like my goose was cooked.
It was.
When the voting ended, my beauty was clearly to the left of the status bar. In the end, there had been more “Hmmm…OK” voters than “Absolutely Not” voters, but barely.
In the minds of the BeautifulPeople.com voters, I was either grudgingly acceptable or absolutely not beautiful.
Once again, I received an exceedingly pleasant and encouraging email from BeautifulPeople.com, reminding me again that the reasons for my failure could include:
- Wearing Sunglasses on the application photo
- More than one person on the photo
- Bad quality photo
- Lack of profile description
Once again, none of these were the case for me. I suspect the real reason that I did not gain entry is because of my actual physical appearance.
I’ve failed twice to gain entry to BeautfulPeople.com. Both times I have flirted with success but ultimately failed. I was hoping that timing might make a difference this time. Labor Day weekend is a time when people feel happy and good, and I had hoped to benefit from some of those positive feelings.
I had hoped to find a more charitable audience. Alas, that was not the case. Though the course of the voting had been slightly different, the end result was nearly identical.
I am not beautiful. I must accept this.
Until Christmas. Christmas is the time when people are feeling the most charitable. Christmas is a time of good cheer and generosity. Christmas is a time when marginally acceptable looking people can become Hmmm, OK.
That’s when I’ll apply to BeautifulPeople.com again. I’ll post my application just after midnight on the day of Christmas Eve. Voting will take place from December 24 through December 25, and on midnight of Christmas Day, I should receive one extra, unexpected, glorious gift.
The gift of confirmed, verifiable, undeniable beauty.
Christmas, my friends. That is when I will be beautiful.
