5 pieces of advice from my evil stepfather

In the ten years I spent living with my evil step-father before leaving home at the age of eighteen, he attempted to teach me the following things:
1.  The most painful way to die is by fire. Being a psychiatric social worker, I believed him. This, by the way, is always good information to give a ten-year old boy. His assertion has since been proven correct based upon my ample movie-watching career. When a bad guy catches fire, he flails and screams more than anyone else on screen.

2.  Don’t trust you’re real father. He didn’t love you.

3.  If you’re disappointed with the service you receive at a restaurant, don’t leave nothing for a tip. Leave a penny. It’s more insulting.

4. It’s perfectly acceptable to scratch the paint of a car parked in a handicapped spot illegally.

5.  If you are going to be blamed for something, you might as well do it.

I agree with the fourth one, but I haven’t actually done it in years.

This last one is the only lesson that I utilize today, and even this is used sparingly.