One of my former students wrote an obituary for me.
Not only is it hurtful, but it’s well-researched.
I’m so impressed.
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Obituary: Mr. Dicks (Born 1 B.C. – ????)
Teacher. Survivor. Balding icon.
Mr. Dicks—known to some as “Mr. D,” to others as “Sir Please Don’t Yell At Me,” and to one student in particular as a living menace—has reportedly passed away for the third or fourth time. Sources remain unclear due to conflicting reports of resurrections, bee stings, and raccoon involvement.
A fifth grade teacher with a flair for intimidation, Mr. Dicks lived a life most would not survive once, let alone repeatedly. Among his many accomplishments:
Survived being hit by at least three different cars, including one during a McDonald’s curbside delivery.
Died from a bee sting and then un-died, likely out of spite.
Flew through a windshield in a car crash, then was insulted by bystanders who apparently thought CPR meant “criticism per respiratory.”
Owned a raccoon. Enough said.
Was arrested three times, for reasons never quite clarified but assumed to involve chaos and maybe property damage.
Taught countless children, terrifying and inspiring them in equal measure, dating back to the Roman Empire.
He is survived by his raccoon (believed to be immortal), several traumatized siblings who were also hit by cars, and generations of students who are both grateful and emotionally scarred.
In lieu of flowers, please send traffic cones, bee repellent, and a strongly-worded email from a former student who once placed 5th in America at Kids Lit Quiz and never let him forget it.
Rest in chaos, Mr. Dicks. May heaven have fewer vehicles.
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I really do bring out the best in them.
