If I were ruler of the world, I would immediately enact the following laws to improve the quality of life for all of humankind:
1. Drivers who pull their cars alongside each other in the middle of the road and roll down their windows to chat (thus blocking the road for sane people) shall have their licenses revoked for a period of no less than six months.
2. If a public building has two or more exterior doors, all such doors shall be unlocked and accessible at all times. If a patron walks into a door expecting it to open and finds it locked, the business in question shall pay the patron a fee of $50,000. If said patron bashes their head on the door in the process (a feat I have accomplished several times), ownership of the business shall immediately be transferred to the bloody-nosed patron.
Why install double doors if one of them is always locked?
3. Anyone wearing clothing containing a brand name or any other assemblage of words on the seat of their pants shall be required to remain seated for the rest of their natural life.
Side note:
If I really had my way of all things, I would remove brand names from all clothing items and accessories since the inclusion of these brand names is merely an indicator of the approximate cost of the item and serves no useful purpose other than to advertise for the clothing company while making people who require such monetary validation momentarily happy about their otherwise vacuous souls.
5. It is hereby forbidden to congratulate a friend on purchasing a vehicle if that friend is over twenty-one. When the purchase of an automobile becomes congratulatory-worthy, priorities must be re-examined immediately.
6. When going to the gym, one must drive to an open parking spot and park their car immediately. No more occupying the middle of the aisle, directional flashing, waiting for a spot closest to the door to open up. It’s the gym. Walk a little bit. Get some pre-exercise exercise.
9. Selfie sticks should be immediately banned. It’s bad enough that future archaeologists may judge our society based on things like The Bachelor, Antonin Scalia, and hipsters who wear slouchy winter hats in the summer. We cannot allow the selfie stick to also define us.
10. Movie theaters must be equipped with cellular jamming technology, effectively disabling the phones of every person within the theater at the film’s onset.
11. People who pay by check at the grocery store — thus slowing down the line considerably — must take a mandatory class on the safe and effective use of debit and credit cards before being allowed to eat any of their purchased groceries.
