My friend, Andrew, and I were paired with two women yesterday on the golf course.
They turned out to be excellent playing partners. They love the game of golf, don’t take it too seriously, and play quickly. Over the course of nine holes, we chatted about our lives, offered the occasional bit of advice on how to read a putt or approach a green, and generally enjoyed one another’s company.
After Andrew sunk the last putt of the day (actually, he missed the three footer and picked up his ball in disgust), we thanked the women for a lovely round.
Normally, we’d shake hands, but the pandemic has stolen that ritual from us, at least for a while.
The women returned the thanks, but as we walked down the path to the parking lot, one of them admitted that they were nervous at the beginning of the round. “You guys are great,” she said. “But when we’re paired off with two men, we never know what we’re going to get.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
She explained that not every man with whom they are paired is nearly as friendly and congenial as Andrew and me. Lots of men, she said, are terrible human beings, fully capable of ruining their round of golf through rudeness, intimidation, and general assholery.
I was surprised.
I shouldn’t have been.
Andrew and I also worry about being paired with terrible people, but when it happens, it never ruins our day. Never in my life have I ever felt intimidated by someone on the golf course. I’ve been paired with people who I ultimately despise after getting to know them, but I’ve never felt any real anxiety or fear.
Just irritation about having to spend time with terrible people.
It made me think about the path through the woods that connects one side of my town to the other. It’s a short sprint on my bike through the forest, and it’s traveled by many, many people, but in the hundreds of times I have ridden along this path, I have never seen a woman walking alone.
I see men walking alone all the time, but not once have I ever seen a woman by herself.
The world looks very differently to me than it does for women. I know this, but sometimes I need to be reminded. I need to be reminded that sexism and stupidity infringe on all aspect of human life. Things that I never even considered to be unsafe is viewed as potentially dangerous by women. People who I view as benign and irrelevant are possible threats in the minds of many women.
And despicable, stupid, callous men are only capable of irritating me during a round of golf. But they are perfectly capable of intimidating and ruining a morning on the links for two lovely women.
The world does not look differently for women because they are women. It looks differently to women because of men. Stupid, selfish, sexist, sometimes intimidating men who make everything a little harder, a little scarier, and a little more uncertain for women.
It’s a shame that I sometimes need to be reminded of this, but I always appreciate the reminder.
