As an elementary school teacher for the past 27 years, I have learned a great deal about children. I have a wealth of knowledge and experience that I am always happy to share with anyone who asks.
But some questions never seem to get asked. Like this one:
“What’s the best way to annoy a child?”
I am exceptional in this realm. A Grandmaster of Annoyance. Possibly the greatest of all time.
I could write a book on this subject.
Truly.
But here are just a few simple, no-brainer ways to annoy a small child:
- If asked, declare that you have no favorite number.
- If asked, declare that you have no favorite color.
- Refuse to divulge your own middle name.
- Ask a child how many fingers they have. When the child says ten, point out that they only have eight because two of their digits are thumbs. Then, seriously question the child’s intelligence.
- Say popular catchphrases in the most robotic, uninspired way possible, while pretending you are trying your best to say the phrase properly.
- Explain that the unicorn is not an imaginary animal but an extinct animal. Use the existence of the narwhal, the rhino, and all other horned land animals to support your assertion. Own it with all of your heart.
For the record, I have no favorite number or color.
I have a middle name, but I often provide children with a false name.
And I have convinced at least a dozen children that unicorns were once real, only to laugh at them later for their naivety.
