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The Moth: Two Little Jewish Dicks

In April of this year, I told this story about my Elysha, my kids, my last name, and Judaism at a Moth GrandSLAM at the Music Hall of Williamsburg in Brooklyn. The theme of the night was Crash Course. I finished in second place.

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At least 3 reasons why you should never say “Wish me luck!”

Three reasons to avoid saying the phrase “Wish me luck!” as part of your goodbye dialogue:  It’s aggressive, presumptuous, and authoritarian.  Right?  You’re not even asking someone to wish you luck. You’re telling them to offer you the wish. You’re practically ordering them to do it. It’s at least a little audacious, if not downright pushy.  Isn’t…

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The Solar System. Obviously.

Am I wrong to think that my daughter’s art is amazing and already worth thousands of dollars? Seriously. Is this not fabulous, or am I simply blinded by fatherly love?

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7 things that we all agree should exist but still don’t. Unless you’re four years old.

Seven things that we all agree should exist and are within our power to bring into existence but still don’t. A vacation from a vacation The four day work week The elimination of all dress codes Cellular telephone jamming technology in every movie theater Decent rest areas along the Saw Mill and Taconic Parkway Five…

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Country club dress codes treat adults like children, and yet adults continue to be members of country clubs. I don’t get it.

My friend’s country club does not allow denim to be worn after May 1.  Women are allowed to wear shirts without sleeves but only if they are also wearing a collar.  Men must wear collared shirts, and their shirts must be tucked in at all times.  These are just a few of the ridiculous rules…

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The life changing difference between “do” and “don’t”

Attempting to improve on my ability to craft dialogue, I find myself listening to people more and more, eavesdropping on conversations and taking careful note of a person’s choice of words. Last week I was in Carvel, waiting to order, when the woman in front of me was handed her root beer float. She looked at…

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If you have strong feelings about cargo shorts, then you are probably an infantile jackass.

I was surprised to see that a junior high newspaper editorial staff apparently took over The Wall Street Journal last week, publishing a infantile piece on cargo shorts in their esteemed pages. The thesis of the piece is this: Cargo shorts are ugly, and men who wear them are stupid and ugly.  Seriously. That’s their…

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My son meditates. Seriously. How did this happen?

I thought I heard Charlie calling me from his bedroom. It was about 6:30 AM, earlier than he usually wakes up, but not impossibly early for him. Charlie is four year-old, but he still sleeps in his crib. We keep our kids in their crib as long as possible because it makes our lives easier,…

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I was a muffin who believed in miracles.

This is going to sound ridiculous, I know. Forgive me.  But when I was in jail, homeless, unemployed, parentless, awaiting trial for a crime I didn’t commit, too poor to buy enough to eat on some days, burdened by tens of thousands of dollars in legal bills that seemed impossible to ever pay, with no…

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