If I ruled the world, here are 11 laws that I would immediately enact.
If I were ruler of the world, I would immediately enact the following laws to improve the quality of life for all of humankind:
1. Drivers who pull their cars alongside each other in the middle of the road and roll down their windows to chat (thus blocking the road for sane people) shall have their licenses revoked for a period of no less than five years. Get out of the damn car if you wish to speak to someone.
2. If a public building has two or more exterior doors, all such doors shall be accessible and open at all times. If a patron walks into a door expecting it to open and finds it locked, the business in question shall pay the patron a fee of $50,000. If said patron bashes their head on the door in the process (a feat I have accomplished several times), ownership of the business shall immediately be transferred to the bloody-nosed patron. Why install double doors if one of them is always locked?
3. Anyone wearing an article of clothing containing a brand name or any assemblage of words on the seat of their pants shall be required to remain seated for the rest of their natural life. This is the stupidest fashion trend ever.
4. Any parent who dresses or allows their child to dress in pants or shorts that contain a brand name or any assemblage of words on the seat of the child’s pants shall immediately be removed from the home for psychiatric examination. Finding oneself staring at the butt of a twelve-year-old to confirm that the word plastered across her butt is, in fact, “Juicy” is unnerving, to say the least. What in God’s name are these parents thinking?
Side note: If I really had my way of all things, I would remove brand names from all clothing items and accessories since the inclusion of these brand names are merely an indicator of the approximate cost of the item and serve no useful purpose other than to advertise for the clothing company while making people who require such validation momentarily happy about their otherwise vacuous souls.
5. It is hereby forbidden to congratulate a friend on purchasing a vehicle if that friend exceeds the age of eighteen. When the purchase of an automobile becomes congratulatory-worthy, priorities must be re-examined immediately.
6. When going to the gym, one must drive to an open parking spot and park your car immediately. No more occupying the middle-of-the-aisle, directional flashing minivan lunatics (it’s always a minivan) waiting for that prime spot ten feet from the doors. It’s the gym. Walk a little bit. Get some freakin’ exercise.
7. It is no longer permissible to refer to any article of clothing as “fun.” You sound ridiculous.
8. If more than half of your social media posts pertain to your latest fitness or nutritional regime, you are hereby banished to Google+ for a period of no less than one year.
9. Selfie sticks are immediately banned. It’s bad enough that future archaeologists may judge our society based on things like The Bachelor, Antonin Scalia, and hipsters who wear slouchy winter hats in the summer. We cannot allow the selfie stick to also define us.
In fairness, Disney World Theme Parks have already banned these ridiculous and culturally embarrassing items, so I’m not the first to suggest this.
10. Movie theaters must be equipped with cellular jamming technology, effectively disabling the phones of every person within the theater at the film’s onset.
11. People who pay by check at the grocery store must take a mandatory class on the safe and effective use of debit and credit cards before being allowed to eat any of their purchased groceries.