I’m not sure which of these is more bizarre:
The Stadium Pal, made famous by a David Sedaris essay, which allows men to urinate without a restroom through the use of an external catheter and a collection bag that straps onto the calf, or it’s equally ugly sister, the Stadium Gal, “a Female Urinary Pouch.” At the bottom of the pouch is a Convenience Drain that connects to the leg bag system (worn on the inner calf). It is one size fits all and is cut to fit one’s needs. Pouch stays in place using adhesives that are provided. Application is explained in the instruction guide.”
Convenience Drain? I would imagine that this drain is convenient, since without it you would essentially be peeing your pants, but is it truly worthy of a capitalized title?
Also note that this item is so horrifying that the website cannot deign to elaborate on the application of such a device and instead refers the buyer to the instruction guide for further instructions.
What is probably should say is this:
If we told you how to insert and fasten this item into your vagina, you would never purchase it, so go ahead and read the instructions after we’ve taken your $39.95.
My favorite part of the website is the line that reads: Totally discrete, completely hidden beneath loose fitting jeans or pants (Use your best judgement).
Pants or jeans? Hmmm? Which is more effective in hiding a steaming bag of urine that will be holstered to my leg? I know. I’ll use my best judgment!
And judgment is spelled incorrectly on the site, of course.
But as if these devices weren’t bad enough, we now have the GoGirl, a female urination device that allows women to pee while standing up. Simply press this funnel-shaped device against your body, aim, and fire.
Did you just shudder reading that sentence? I did.
GoGirl is a clever name, but if there were truth in advertising, this might be called the Vagina Extender, the Hoo-Hoo Funnel, The Artificial Penis, or The Final Cure for Penis Envy.
Or how about The Sign that the Apocalypse is Near?
On second thought, I may just purchase a few of these to distribute as gifts around the holiday season. A Stadium Pal for fellow Patriots season ticket holder. A Stadium Gal for Taryn. A GoGirl for my sister-in- law. The look on her face as she realizes what I have bought her for Christmas might be worth every penny of the purchase price.
