If I ruled the world…
If I were ruler of the world, I would immediately enact the following laws to improve the quality of life for all of humankind:
1. Drivers who pull alongside one another on the road to chat without leaving their cars (thus blocking the road for sane people like me) shall have their licenses revoked for a period of no less than five years. Get out of the damn car if you wish to speak to someone.
2. If a public building has two or more exterior doors, all such doors shall be accessible and open at all times. If a patron walks into a door expecting it to open and finds it locked, the business in question shall pay the patron a fee of $50,000. If said patron bashes their nose in the process (a feat I have accomplished several times), ownership of the business shall immediately be transferred to the bloody-nosed patron. Why install double doors if one of them is always locked?
3. Anyone wearing an article of clothing containing a brand name or any assemblage of words on the seat of his or her pants shall be required to remain seated for the rest of his or her natural life. This is the stupidest fashion trend ever.
4. Any parent who dresses or allows his or her child to dress in pants or shorts that contain a brand name or any assemblage of words on the seat of the child’s pants shall immediately be removed from the home for psychiatric examination. Finding oneself staring at the butt of a twelve-year-old to confirm that the word plastered across her butt is, in fact, “Juicy” is unnerving, to say the least. What in God’s name are these parents thinking?
5. It is hereby forbidden to congratulate a friend on purchasing a vehicle if that friend exceeds the age of eighteen. When the purchase of an automobile becomes congratulatory-worthy, priorities must be re-examined immediately.
6. When going to the gym, one must park in the spot furthest from the building since you’re going to the gym, and the walk wouldn’t hurt. No more middle-of-the-aisle, directional flashing, minivan lunatics (it’s always a minivan) waiting for that prime spot ten feet from the doors. It’s the gym. Walk a little bit.
7. It is no longer permissible to refer to any article of clothing as “fun.” If you think a shirt is ugly, say it. Don’t try to replace “ugly” with words that make no sense.
I have many more rules to share, but this is a good start. Study them well. I plan on being named ruler of the world someday soon.