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I don’t hate this new umbrella design. I just don’t think it solves an existing problem. I just don’t think people are suffering from an inability to text in the rain while holding an umbrella.

But my real complaint is the ad copy, which purports that the umbrella has “a unique handle that’s fun to hold” and that “makes squeezing your umbrella grip something you’ll have a blast doing” and “it’s unique design makes it a great conversation starter.”

No. I’m sorry. It can’t be any of those things.

When you can’t be honest in your advertising, how could I ever trust your product?