Things I Do

When my cell service momentarily disappears in an area where service is reliable, I stare at my phone and the absence of those four tiny bars and think, “Oh no. They’ve finally done it. Someone launched the missiles.” And then, for a fraction of a second, I really do believe that nuclear war has begun.…

When it’s frigid outside and the interior of my car is exceptionally cold, I turn on the passenger seat heater in addition to my own seat heater and the regular heater, thinking that the minuscule amount of heat emitted from the warm, empty seat beside me will help warm up the interior, and therefore me,…

I don’t look at the pilot when boarding a plane. I’m terrified of looking into the cockpit and seeing a pilot who looks like an idiot or resembles someone who I think is an idiot.  I don’t mind shaking the pilot’s hand at the end of the flight and looking him or her in the…

I never speak about myself in terms of getting old.  It’s a common refrain. A colleague’s knee is sore. His back hurts. A friend can’t instantly recall a name or a place. A actor or musician who you adored as a teenage passes away. A younger cousin describes a dating scene that is entirely foreign…

I don’t look at the pilot when boarding a plane. I’m terrified of looking into the cockpit and seeing a pilot who looks like an idiot or resembles someone who I think is an idiot.  I don’t mind shaking the pilot’s hand at the end of the flight and looking him or her in the…

I’ve never watched The Sound of Music because every clip of that movie that I’ve ever seen makes the movie look boring and melodramatic.  Through cultural osmosis, I’ve learned that the story centers on the von Trapp family and a nanny named Maria who likes to sing and dance in fields at the foot of…

I plant pennies heads-up throughout my home and in the wild because of the commonly held superstition that finding a penny on heads is good luck and/or allows you to make a wish.  I like to think that every heads-up penny makes someone feel a little bit happier.  In our house, Charlie accompanies these discoveries…

In my relentless, obsessive desire to get ahead and be productive, I purposely attempt to cut every corner in every hallway in order to shorten the distance between the two points and perhaps recapture a little lost time. This is ridiculous, of course. Unless I am walking an endless array of hallways for hours and…