Rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse (based upon ACTUAL EXPERIENCE)

I dreamt about a zombie apocalypse last night, not unlike the one that takes place in AMC’s hit show, The Walking Dead.
It was quite realistic.

I survived the apocalypse, at least until I awoke, and I learned a few important lessons along the way that you may find useful in the event that zombies ever take over the real world.

Here they are, in no specific order:

1. Zombies cannot climb. They can utilize staircases and even ladders but are incapable of lifting their bodies off the ground by means of their own power. In my dream, this meant removing the staircases from homes. Residents were required to pull themselves up to the second floor by brute physical strength, which was impossible for many, but for the able-bodied, it was an excellent way to remain in the home in relative safety from the zombie hoard.

2. In an emergency, babies can and should be tossed in order to secure their safety. Better to throw a baby underhand rather than like a football.  Underhanded accuracy is decidedly better and results in fewer tragic tosses.

3. There are always a few idiots who do not take the dangers of the zombie apocalypse seriously, assuming they can outrun the hoard or play a quick game of zombie baseball before attempting an escape. Don’t waste you time arguing with these people. They are as good as dead.

4. If your father-in-law refuses to demonstrate a sense of urgency when fleeing from zombies, do not wait for him. His dawdling will get you all killed.

5. There is surprising room for debate in terms of the merits of becoming zombified. Is it better to die or allow yourself to become a zombie if you have no other means of escape? You might think that death is preferable, but zombies seem to be quite content while chewing on a femur or chasing down an over-confident, slow-footed hipster. Who are we to judge their existence?

6. Do not worry about food in a zombie apocalypse. The population of the planet will be decimated and zombies do not eat human food. There will be plenty of canned goods around to last years if necessary.

7. Zombies cannot swim, but this does not mean you should jump into a pool in order to escape a zombie hoard. Zombies are also exceedingly patient and will last longer than you can tread water.

8. People who carry suitcases get eaten first. You must be willing to abandon all worldly possessions in order to survive a zombie apocalypse.

In regards to the debate over the merits of zombification, it should be noted that in my dream, this debate took place between myself, my wife and several other people.

Last night I attempted to have the same debate with my wife and it went exactly as it did in my dream. Almost word for word.

She hemmed and hawed for about two seconds before declaring she’d rather be dead and dismissing all further discussion.