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You know what’s the problem with The Nutcracker?
It’s still a ballet.

While it’s true that my wife adores The Nutcracker and did so as a child, most children are surprised to realize upon seeing The Nutcracker for the first time that it amounts to little more than a boring dance recital.


You can almost hear their collective bewilderment as they begin to squirm in their seats and wonder why they ever thought a ballet about a kitchen appliance was going to be good:

What the hell?  I thought this was supposed to be fun.  Like a Rudolph claymation special, only in real life?. This is just stupid dancing.

For reasons that ultimately ruin a perfectly good Sunday afternoon, The Nutcracker is consistently portrayed as something better and more exciting than your average trip to the ballet. As a result, children around the world pile into theaters with excitement in their eyes and hopefulness in their hearts.

Ten minutes into the performance, most are wondering what the hell happened to this supposed masterpiece of childhood entertainment.

Nothing happened to it. It’s ballet.

It’s a ballet about a kitchen appliance.

Nutcracker or not, it’s still boring.

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