Mark Wilson and I are simpatico when it comes to handling movie theater talkers. I agree with everything he suggests.
On Wednesday my friend and I plan on seeing Avatar at the local IMAX theater, and if anyone dares to speak during the movie, I will take immediate action, employing some of Wilson’s suggestions with my own if necessary. Normally, a simple but stern reminder of theater etiquette is enough to quiet down the average movie talker, but on more than one occasion, I have been forced into more drastic measures.
My wife and I were watching The Village a few years ago when a roving band of teenagers wandered into the theater, called out for a guy named Hector, and then left. They returned a few minutes later, stood near the door, and giggled before leaving again. Several minutes later they returned for a third time, taking seats in the front row and resuming their conversations. I waited for a couple minutes, hoping they they would calm down, and when they did not, I took action.
I walked down to the front row, took up a position in front of the group, leaned in, and whispered, “You can shut up and stay, or you can leave now. But if you stay and keep on talking, I will make it my primary mission in life to get you kicked out of the theater, even if I have to lie to do it.”
They exited immediately.
Several years ago, I was watching one of the Lord of the Rings movies with a girlfriend. The movie had been running for about five minutes and two young women sitting a couple rows behind had failed to end their conversation, even after I asked them to stop. Frustrated and angry, I stood up, turned to the women (and the audience in general), and said in a loud voice, “Can we all agree that these two women need to shut up now or leave the theater?”
A smattering of tentative applause quickly crescendoed into a unanimous ovation by my fellow patrons, immediately shaming the women into silence.
I admit that there’s a small part of me that sometimes hopes to run into callous, inconsiderate movie talkers, just so I can pull stunts like those I’ve described above.
I hate, hate, hate movie theater talkers, but no matter what I do they sit near me. I am a weird magnet, and wherever I go weirdos follow. I also seem to attract women wearing too much perfume and people that must unwrap noisy candy wrappers in the movie’s quietest moments. But the best are the narrators. Lately I have one in every movie I see. These people seem to think they must tell their seatmates everything that is happening in the movie, as it is happening. ARGH!!!!!
Fight the good fight, Sherry! Stand up and silence those fools. Your theater-mates will almost always stand by you.